Oh Yeah! MONEY! DOLLA! Big Dick Playa!

Buffalaxed "Money Dollar" Lyrics

Get this key, hey ya hottie.
And this car, hey sire.
Whoo, he fill my gas tankkk...
You honk? Horny I am!

How BIG and is it in?
How do I get dollar?
OOooooooo....

How BIG and is it IN???
How do I get dollar???

Puuu-Puuuush it IN her body, Hon-honeeeeey!
Money! Dollar!
Ewwww. Mighty dollar!
Money. Dollar...
Money. Dollar...

I'm feeling frisky, how low hung and how long?
Push it in for money, all day light and night long.
Hand me money dollar!
Honeeey...

Money. Dollar... I loooooooove!
Money! Dollar!
I loooooveeeeeeeeeee... (money, dollar)
IIIIIIiiiiiii LLLLLOOOooooovve!

Her rump! Dumped!
Banana!
Dianna did a dump.
Dunk! Banana!
Sat on a man and...
It was her DADDY!

I did! I liked and I needed him!

Your daddy, daddy, daddy???
YEAH... NO!
It was your MOM!

DON'T TELL DADDY!

Don't tell, Dianna?

Think of daddy, daddy, daddy!

Don't count on feeding him!
Banana!
My nut case! I got it!

His weenie's like a Chinese chimichaaangg...

Now John... here's silllllly puttttttty.
So join us......

Now Karu, she's twirling the dish-towel banner, yah!
Now let's see, Pete, oh he... shit I have to pee!
(Now let's see, Pete, oh he... shit now I have to pee!)
How does uncle have money to buy her?

I just think uncle, I say "Gay, you're tied up!"
Uncle, come here to lease a leopard
I just put Lucy as a hooker for hire...

How come DO NOT you want ME?
I'm definitely hard to tie up!
Oooh, how come DO NOT you want ME?
I'm definitely hard to tire.
Hold on, set your wallet on here...

Monkey Dollar?
Ohhh... Monkey Dollar.
I love, MONKEY DOLLAR!
I loooove monkey dollar...
Oooooooooooooh!

I'm feeling frisky, how low hung and how long?
Push it in for money, all day light and night long.
Hand me money dollar!
Hand me money dollar!
Honeeey...

Mighty dollar!
I love...
Mighty dollar!
I looove...
Mighty dollar...

TROPIC THUNDER! MUTHAFARKIN NIGGA LES GROSSMAN!!!

FARKIN' AWESOME!!!

Zealotry

Other people run away screaming when they see a monster.

You run toward it screaming.

Party Route

It's not what you think.



All will be revealed after the 20th of September!

GOOGLE CHROME - HOW EXCITED I AM

How excited am I about Google Chrome?

Oh googily-gosh-darn-fudgecakes-hippity-hop-dishwash-soapsuds excited!

And I'm doing a tippity-tap with my feet as I'm telling you this.

It's loooooong overdue for a better way for us to interface online.

Now, if only they would commercialize the Brain-Computer-Interface, and let all of us plug-and-play.

Hoooo-wheeeee! Not long now!

But first, let me play with Google Chrome!

What I've Learnt Watching "Half Nelson"

People are better able to save each other

than to save themselves.

Watch "Half Nelson", it's gritty, it's visceral, it's real.

Star Wars - Hokkienfied

Don't understand hokkien? How can?

It's practically 51% of Singlish!

Anyway, here's to get you started, with one of my favourite movies of all time, in one of my favourite dialect to swear in, all the time.

Winning Bid

ed. transliterated from chinese mandarin.

*bows with a flourish*

TA-DA!

This is what I conceptualized! I present to all of you, honourable Eye-Old-See council members, on the emblem for our grand event this August!

It draws on various elements of our 5,000 year old Chinese culture. Primarily of the traditional red Chinese seal. As you well know, the colour red is seen to be an auspicious colour by Chinese everywhere. Indeed, this idea has now spread around the world, and people everywhere welcome the colour red as an auspicious colour!

The seal is inscribed with a stylised calligraphic rendition of the Chinese character 京. Pronounced "jīng", if you don't know how to speak mandarin, of course, you don't as all of you are smelly foreigners... *coughs* I mean, healthy foragers.

Ha ha ha... As I was saying, this chinese character means "Capital". And you would notice that I have stylized the chinese character into the form of a dancing figure.

You would also notice, that the curves cleverly suggests the body of a wriggling chinese dragon...

*Fervent whispering*

...what do you mean that you don't like dragons? Let me reassure you, that the chinese dragon is a mighty force of good, a truly divine serpentine representative. And when fire spews from our chinese dragons, it shakes both the Heaven and Earth, bringing much needed showers to fertile fields everywhere!

If you would let me continue... The open arms of the figure symbolises the invitation of my country to the world world, to share in its culture. Let us welcome you into our warm embrace, and I assure you, you will feel the strength of our love, the eagerness of our spirit to please all of you!

One after another!

Again and again!

WE'RE HAPPY TO SEE YOU!

*months and many willing winsome chinese dolls later*

International Olympic Committee President J.R. delivered an address at the unveiling ceremony saying,

"Your new emblem immediately conveys the awesome beauty and power of your country which are embodied in your heritage and your people."

He continued,

"In this emblem, I saw the promise and potential of a New B.J. and a Great Event. This is a milestone in the history of your quest. As this new emblem becomes known around the world and, as it takes its place at the centre of your Games, we are confident that it will achieve the stature of one of the best and most meaningful symbols in history."

National Day Rally - ERP Woes

Yeah, it got postponed because we were trying to win our first Olympic gold medal.

Didn't happen, but hey, we got Silver. Our first since independence.

But enough about that.

I'm here to talk about what PM Lee talked about.

No, screw that, let the YouTube do the talking (or the subtitling, for that matter).

Misspent Youth

Oh yes. This pretty much sums up my younger days.

Arcade and fast food...



I've always secretly knew there was a reason that I prefered KFC over McDonald's.

Ah... the sweet taste of vindication.

It's finger licking good.

Norwegian Recycling

In this modern day and age, it's no longer enough to do only one thing.

It's about multi-tasking. It's about being a Renaissance Man.

And we have the technology and the will to achieve that.

Here's a simple, elegant example. Enjoy.

How Six Songs Collide

Norwegian Recycling - 8 Become 1

Music and video made by Norwegian Recycling

Samples:
1. Black Eyed Peas - Where Is The Love
2. Savage Garden - Crash And Burn
3. Maroon 5 - She Will Be Loved
4. James Blunt - You're Beautiful
5. Atomic Kitten - It's Ok!
6. U2 - With Or Without You
7. Billie The Vision & The Dancers - Summercat
8. Remy Zero - Fair

Norwegian Recycling - 9 Songs To Save The World

Music and video made by Norwegian Recycling

Samples:
1. Flo Rida feat. Timbaland - Elevator
2. Madonna feat. Justin Timberlake & Timbaland - 4 Minutes
3. Justin Timberlake feat. Clipse - Like I Love You
4. Usher feat. Lil Jon & Ludacris - Yeah
5. Timbaland feat. Nelly Furtado & Justin Timberlake - Give It To Me
6. Britney Spears - Gimme More
7. Timbaland feat. Keri Hilson & D.O.E. - The Way I Are
8. Nelly Furtado - Say It Right
9. Eiffel 65 - Blue (Da Ba Dee)

Norwegian Recycling - Ben Is Chasing Beautiful Girls

Music and video made by Norwegian Recycling

Samples:
1. Sean Kingston - Beautiful Girls
2. Ben E. King - Stand By Me
3. Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars
4. Alice Deejay - Back In My Life
5. Beverly Hills 90210 - Opening Theme
6. Puff Daddy feat. Faith Evans &112 - I'll Be Missing You

Norwegian Recycling - All Bad Touches (Comes To An End)

Music and video made by Norwegian Recycling

Samples:
1. Nelly Furtado - All Good Things (Come To An End)
2. Bloodhound Gang - The Bad Touch
3. Alex Parks - Mad World

HAPPY NATIONAL DAY! (A video tribute)

YEAH SINGAPORE!

I thought I just re-hash some celebratory clips from Mr. Miyagi, a righteous crusader-dude.

HAPPY NATIONAL DAY!!!

CHOW JEDIS!

What do you mean, you don't know what Hossan Leong is capable of?

... ...

Please loh! Dudette, you seriously need to watch this.

Still don't understand?

Wapiang oei, cannot help you liao.

P.C.C.

When I first heard about it, I honestly thought it was a joke.

But I verified (by Googling it, of course) it to be true.

Hossan Leong is mightily funny, and we all know what he's capable of, but more importantly for me, I really don't believe that he doesn't know where he's working at.

Paul Carr Consultancy.

I mean... Seriously?!

Sex. And You Thought Others Had It Easy.

Erm. Not Really.



But you have to say, the farting was handled real delicately.

*grin*

I Love Musicals, Especially Indie Ones.

Oh, did I tell you I love musicals? Especially indie ones?

No?

Well, I LOVE MUSICALS, ESPECIALLY INDIE ONES.

So you need to watch this PRONTO. Like right now. Immediately.

No excuses.

http://www.drhorrible.com/

Great, isn't it? I love musicals, especially indie ones.

The World Makes Me Wanna Break Out In Song!

BOOM DE AH DAH!!!

We Didn't Start The Fire - Best Version Ever With Lyric Links!

We Didn't Start The Fire
By Billy Joel

Harry Truman, Doris Day, Red China, Johnnie Ray
South Pacific, Walter Winchell, Joe DiMaggio

Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, Television
North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe

Rosenbergs, H Bomb, Sugar Ray, Panmunjeom
Brando, The King And I, and The Catcher In The Rye

Eisenhower, Vaccine, England's got a new queen
Marciano, Liberace, Santayana goodbye!

We didn't start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
No we didn't light it
But we tried to fight it

Joseph Stalin, Malenkov, Nasser and Prokofiev
Rockefeller, Campanella, Communist Bloc

Roy Cohn, Juan Perón, Toscanini, Dacron
Dien Bien Phu Falls, Rock Around the Clock

Einstein, James Dean, Brooklyn's got a winning team
Davy Crockett, Peter Pan, Elvis Presley, Disneyland

Bardot, Budapest, Alabama, Khrushchev
Princess Grace, Peyton Place, Trouble in the Suez

We didn't start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
No we didn't light it
But we tried to fight it

Little Rock, Pasternak, Mickey Mantle, Kerouac
Sputnik, Zhou En-Lai, Bridge On The River Kwai

Lebanon, Charles de Gaulle, California baseball
Starkweather Homicide, Children of Thalidomide
Buddy Holly, Ben Hur, Space Monkey, Mafia
Hula Hoops, Castro, Edsel is a no-go

U2, Syngman Rhee, Payola and Kennedy
Chubby Checker, Psycho, Belgians in the Congo

We didn't start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
No we didn't light it
But we tried to fight it

Hemingway, Eichmann, Stranger in a Strange Land
Dylan, Berlin, Bay of Pigs Invasion

Lawrence of Arabia, British Beatlemania
Ole Miss, John Glenn, Liston beats Patterson

Pope Paul, Malcolm X, British Politician sex
J.F.K. blown away, what else do I have to say

We didn't start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
No we didn't light it
But we tried to fight it

Birth control, Ho Chi Minh, Richard Nixon back again
Moonshot, Woodstock, Watergate, punk rock
Begin, Reagan, Palestine, Terror on the airline
Ayatollah's in Iran, Russians in Afghanistan

Wheel of Fortune, Sally Ride, heavy metal, suicide
Foreign debts, homeless Vets, AIDS, Crack, Bernie Goetz
Hypodermics on the shores, China's under martial law
Rock and Roller Cola Wars, I can't take it anymore!

We didn't start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
No we didn't light it
But we tried to fight it

Hossan Leong - He Didn't Start The Fire (THE MTV!)

It's the one year anniversary of this blogpost of mine!



Kudos to NCHProductions! They're amazing! Visit and watch their videos today!

What To Say To Your Stalker

Remember that cheesy Visa video?

Here's how you deal with your crazy indian stalker.

Attach this note to your mailbox
**************************************************************************************
a) How did you get into my mailbox in the first place, it is locked
b) Did you kill the bird?
c) It died horribly, that much was clear
d) You're psycho?
e) Do I know you?
f) If I do know you, I don't want to know you
g) If I don't know you, what did I do to inspire you to put a dead bird in my mailbox?
h) I don't know how to disinfect a mailbox from a dead bird, I'm worried about diseases and have used five different kinds of cleaner but still feel like the bird's still in there still and like my bills and my catalogues and my coupons have dead bird on them
i) It was a hummingbird, I looked it up - they don't even live in Singapore - this is so f*ing psycho, I can't believe this
j) Are you the mailman?
k) I'm always nice to the mailman
l) The town council didn't care when I told them what happened
m) The neighbors didn't care either
n) Do you have some kind of problem with birds?
o) Don't put anything else in my mailbox
p) Unless it's an apology
q) No, I take that back, I don't even want an apology
r) What am I supposed to do with this bird - it's in bubblewrap in a bag in a shoebox in the freezer right now - am I supposed to bury it - Where? How? In a construction site where they've jackhammered through the concrete - Where is a person supposed to bury things in this city?
s) I could drop it in the Singapore River, but that seems undignified
t) I could drop it in the ocean, but the ocean is so big and it is such a small bird
u) I could drop it in the toilet but it would probably get stuck
v) I hear this whirring around my ears every time I go to the mailbox and I'm pretty sure it's ghost bird, and I'm all "it wasn't me that killed you, bird!" but still the whirring doesn't go away until I get into the elevator
w) Am I supposed to eat it - maybe you were trying to feed me - don't you know I'm a vegetarian
x) If this was Denise, I'm gonna beat your ass, mommy told you to stop protesting for the environment
y) If this was Kevin, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, how many times I gotta say I'm sorry
z) I could drop it off the roof, maybe it will reincarnate while falling and I can start reading my snail mail again

What An Idiot

She said: "That's not the point, Kevin. Let me take a cold shower. I need to think."

I said: "Pffft."

She said: "As always, best conversation in a long long time."

I said: "You need me to take on this problem of yours. Cold showers can wait."

She said: "I understand your need for challenges. But this is not one that you might like to get entangled with anyway."

I said: "*raises eyebrow* You never said that to me before."

She said: "I'm sure marriage will bring you its fair share of problems. Or rather challenges. (Sounds better)"

I said: "I guess that means you knew that of me, but you never came out and said it."

She said: "I knew it all along."

I said: "YOU ARE SUCH AN IDIOT. What took you so bloody long to say that? Was it so very difficult?"

She said: "Why the need to hear it from me?"

I said: "God, xxxx. You are such an idiot."

She said: "What? What did I do now?"

I said: "Go take your cold shower."

She said: "Aye Aye."

I said: "Idiot."

She said: "Thanks Kevin. You're the best!"

Why I Am Temporarily Addicted To Forums

Because of the beautiful prose. I had a linguistical orgasm after chancing upon this.

*************************************************************************************
Dear Sir,

I must confess that I was somewhat taken aback upon reading your email. Indeed, it has taken some time for me to sufficiently recuperate from my surprise. Lest your confidence quickly inflate for little reason (as we know is the predisposition for SGX types), allow me to hasten to reassure you that the source of my surprise was neither your candor nor the accuracy of your perception. Indeed, it is your "claimed" success in light of your poor grasp of economics which has me baffled. If the standards required to meet with financial success on SGX have sunk so low, perhaps I should indeed "make my own money", except for the fact that the effort/reward ratio is far too high for my liking - especially when so many of your ilk have displayed a far more cogent grasp of market realities than you have.

By now you are likely scratching your ever-vanishing hairline in confusion, so allow me to elaborate, dear man. To build some credibility I will tell you a bit more about yourself. Though you did not mention the details of your occupation, it is clear that you are an investment banker and not a trader, as any good trader would understand that human courtships are based upon a semi-efficient open market, and not an investment banking cartel. However, your inability to grasp the realities of the dating market is not surprising, given that you have successfully employed the tools of collusion and market manipulation rather that true acumen in your supposed wealth generation.

If your grasp of finance were not a minority partner with your ego, you would realize that the "outflows" associated with my depreciating "assets" are quite certain, and therefore subject to a low discount rate when determining their present value. In addition, though your concept of economics evidentially failed to move past the 1950s, advancement in plastic surgery is not subject to the same limitation. Thus, with some additional capital expenditure, the overall lifetime of "outflows" generated by these assets is greatly increased. Sad that Ashton Kutcher has demonstrated understanding of the female asset class which you, in all of your financial "wisdom", have not.

You, on the other hand, are, given the uncertainty of the SGX job market, more of an inflation-indexed junk bond with an underwater nested call option. Though you may argue that you are more of an equity investment, my monetary minimums required from you do not change, and if you are unable to pay them, I will liquidate you without the benefit of a chapter 20, just as you would me.

Because your outflows are so much more uncertain with respect to mine, I require additional compensation in the form of a underwater nested call option on your future assets. I say underwater because, even taking into account the value of your junk bond coupon payment to me, the value of my "outflow" is in excess of the market price of your equity (which is quite low due to its riskiness associated with your poor grasp of finance and my existing claim upon your junk bond coupon).

I must thank you though for raising the question, despite the reputation cost of subjecting your weak logic to such widespread scrutiny. This took either considerable courage or ignorance on your part- and we'll give you the benefit of doubt, just this once. My current boyfriend (a trader who lives in Boulevard Residences, of course) and I thoroughly enjoyed discussing your response and we wish you the best of luck in your unhappy pursuit of that elusive market inefficiency.


This message is in response to:


I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully
about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.
Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your
bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I
see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a
crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you
suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring
my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my
money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely
that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't
be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning
asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation
accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty
hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in
earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in SGX terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy
and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense
to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case
you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were
to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's
as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So,
I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful"
as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to
believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K
hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then
we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way.
Classic "pump and dump."
I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of
lease, let me know.

Provocation

Really sorry about not updating my blog.

I kinda got sucked back into forum posting, and I'm been busy discussing, arguing, and proving what I believe and say is right.

Self-Righteousness. It's addictive.

Anyway, I thought I would post something extremely interesting and relevant to my blog.

Quote:

Originally Posted by "Idiot"

Excuse me? The guy who posted those guidelines referred to me as an idiot without provocation. And you rally around him?

Quote:

Originally Posted by "Non-idiot"

Frankly, yes. And it's not without provocation. Being an idiot is provocation.

What Guys Want To Hear...

...But probably never, ever will hear in so long as they shall live.

I want you to pull out your big, thick cock within five seconds of our first meeting. I want to kneel at your feet and worship you (and your organ) like a greek god. I will take your throbbing love-stick in my mouth and service you like a pro. I will lick the head of your penis, concentrating on the sensitive spot underneath the head, where it meets the shaft. I will then take you fully into my mouth, and move my head all the way down, swallowing the entire length. When you're all the way in and I'm fighting not to gag, I will move all the way back to the tip, then repeat. I will continue, up and down, until I feel that you're about to cum; then I'll stop, lick my way down to your balls, and take them both in my mouth while stroking your cock with my hand. I will then move around to your back, spread the cheeks of your ass and rim your asshole with my tongue while stroking your cock. I'll shove a finger or two up there, if you like.

Once you're good and hard, I'll let you eat my pussy for a while, preferably until I cum two or three times. A little rimming of your own would be nice. Attention can be paid to my 36 D-cup breasts, or I can pinch my nipples myself. Once my juices are flowing, you can proceed to the fucking. Shove your cock in me, hard, all the way in. The harder the better, and if you're hung like a horse, my prayers have been answered. Keep going. Don't worry about me; I will make myself cum again on my own, either with old-fashioned diddling or my trusty vibrator. My ass needs attention, too, don't forget-I'm a three-input kinda girl! After you've made me cum fucking me the old-fashioned way, slowly (and gently, please!) push your huge dick up my ass. Use lots of astro-glide. I will be a little hesitant at first, but then the yummy pleasure-mixed-with-pain will start to kick in, and I'll get really into it. I'll start shoving my ass back against your cock as hard as I can, until I explode with the hardest orgasm yet. At this point, if you feel like getting your freak on, we can pop in a porno and emulate whatever is happening on the screen. Or, I can pull out my cache of sex toys. You can have me straddle an enormous uber-cock and work as much of it into my vagina as I can take, while you get in on the action by fucking me up the ass. You want a threesome? No problem. I'll invite one of my crazy girlfriends over, and you can watch me eat her out while you masturbate. Or, she can sit on my face while you fuck me. Another option is you banging me from behind while I lick her pussy. The possibilities are endless, really.

Once that's over, feel free to pull out and cum on my ass / tits / face / mouth / whatever. Just as long as you cum hard, baby.

So that's why you ladies need to learn how to say this properly. Memorize it. Practise this in front of a mirror, as you lick your lips, and flutter your bedroom eyes.

This has been a public service broadcast.

Analyst Seeking Romance

I love this so much, I posting it as it is.

Enjoy!

*************************************************************************************
Hello,

ABOUT YOU:
You are a young and good-looking girl. The parental abuse that you incurred as a child has left you emotionally distant and sexually repressed. You are able to sustain months (years?) of loneliness because you shudder at the thought of human interaction. You have a constant feeling of inadequacy leading to excessive hours on the elliptical machine (and, accordingly, a nicely toned bum). I might do stuff to you while you are sleeping at 4AM (when I finally get home from the office), but, other than that, our sex-life will be nonexistent. Naive girls who have been in long-distance relationships and have had their hearts broken by guys who perpetually cheated are more than welcome to email me; I promise that I'm different.

ABOUT ME:
I am a first year analyst at an express logistics firm; this means that I'm either Asian, or from old-money (and, therefore, connected up the wazoo). Given that this post is (hopefully) grammatically correct, coherently legible, and satirically palatable, I'd like to think that I got into my job based on merits associated with my intelligence; therefore, I'm probably not from old money and am not connected up the wazoo (sorry).

I got into express logistics as a result of an overwhelming abundance of insecurities. I went to a top-tiered and prestigious undergraduate university, yet, have always felt inferior to the Harvardites and Princetonians that surround me. I'm likely either short and socially outcasted (with excellent kung-fu skills) or schnoz-nosed and unable to date, as every girl I meet in and around my office is a elistist slut that reminds me of a very bad relationship (don't ask).

I go to the gym every morning, as my unnecessarily ambitious and secretively compensating type-A personality forces me to always strive for the best. That, and also the endorphins released from the exercise keep me elated enough to prevent attempting suicide for at least 24 hours.

I approach dating as I do anything else; as a strict meritocracy where I compete to win. At bars, I won't tell girls that I'm an analyst; I feel that it would be unfair to take a girl home by playing the pity card ("Oh, you work as an analyst? I feel so bad for you. Hmm, I guess I'll sleep with you."). I'll likely say that I'm a math teacher at the MINDS School (my Asian heritage helps me here) so that girls realize that I'm piss-poor (as are all my other analyst buddies, despite what we tell our family and friends back home) but have Epstein potential.

My interests include playing brickbreaker on my blackberry, romantic dinners expensed to my firm, and finding novel ways to entertain myself during late-night hours (photoediting my artfully crafted photos at 3AM - FUN; getting head from you while you hide under my desk - PROBABLY FUNNER).

If you fit my description (and God help you if you do...) feel free to email me. Pictures of boobs (yours or random ones you find on the internet) would be helpful to include in the email. As I'm posting this with my work email address, I'm hoping to get lucky enough that some back-office rat finds the inappropriate content during a routine inbox sweep, so that I can finally be liberated from this relentless world of superficial elitism. I'm talking about the old-money guys.

The Complete Idiot's Guide To Talking To Women

Does this make me look fat?
The textbook classic. If you've never heard this one then you've never dated anyone.

What you are thinking...
Does this suit make me look bald?
Not to Ray Charles or Stevie Wonder.
It's a pair of pants, not a reality-reversal field.
Nonsense, the material is what holds the fat in.
No, the visible light spectrum makes you look fat.
Hmmm... let me jog around you a few times to take a look. See you in 20.
No, but just in case we should ask a salesperson about the tensile strength of that fabric.
No, it's that other dress that makes you look fat.
Hey! That dress actually does make you look thin! Buy that!
Do I look dumb in this shirt?
I hear liposuction is very affordable these days.
No, no, no, turn around. There. Now you look fat.
Well, no. Not all of you. Only certain parts of you.
I can't see. Come out from behind that fat woman and I'll tell you.
Not fat, but the massive amounts of fur make you look like a very angry bear.
Let me just step back and fit it all in.

What you must actually say...
No, of course not.
You look beautiful.
It looks beautiful.
I love you.

What you can actually say, but isn't very healthy in a long run...
What I think isn't as important as loving yourself for who you are.
Let's have salad for lunch.

******************************************************************************

The camera adds ten pounds, doesn't it?
I know I'm overweight but in serious denial. Deny with me.

What you are thinking...
That's an old wives' tale, started by old, fat wives.
Don't test the warranty return policy — Kodak would disagree with you.
It's not a hardware problem, it's a software problem.
Pictures don't lie, unless you photoshop them. And you do.
Don't shoot the messenger.
That daily bucket of Cheetos might have had something to do with it.
Let's see... add 10 pounds for the Häagen-Dazs, 10 pounds for the "extra crispy recipe" from KFC, 10 pounds for your daily double latte with triple sugar and triple cream, 10 pounds for your chocolate addiction, ...eh... what are we up to now? I think I'm still 30 pounds short somewhere.
The 10 pounds was there before I took the picture, and unfortunately, is still here now. And then some.
You need to lose a lot more than 10 pounds to look thin.
How many cameras were used to take this picture?

What you must actually say...
Not to you, baby.
Oh (name), you're always your own worst critic.
You look beautiful.
I love you.

What you can actually say, but isn't very healthy in a long run...
The more the merrier.
The bigger the cushion, the sweeter the pushin'. (Oh, bad! Very bad. Don't go there.)

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Do you love me?
Here's a noose. Try it on for size.

What you are thinking...
Like whiskey and football?
More than masturbation? Usually.
Only when things are going into your mouth, not coming out.
Define love.
Damn. Busted. I wonder what Lydia is doing tonight?

What you must actually say...
You're perfect for me. (sweet, but actually non-committal)
You're everything I ever wanted. (at least until something better comes along)
I can't imagine not having you in my life. (i.e. "I feel trapped!" but it'll sound good to her)
I love you.

What you can actually say, but isn't very healthy in a long run...
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......yes? (pauses are deadly)
You are a special person in my life.
You are very important to me.

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Do you love me for my brains or my body?
The no-win situation... pick one and she feels stupid, pick the other and she feels ugly.

What you are thinking...
Mmmmm. Boobs.
Shit! Now I'm totally fucked.
Is there any possible answer I can give that won't result in me getting a knee in the groin?
I like your mind, I just wish it was programmable like my remote control.
Body wins by default, can't choose what isn't there, right?

What you must actually say...
You're the perfect combination of both.
You have everything, which is why I fell in love with you. (practice controlling your gag reflex before using this one)
Yes.
I love you. (Make sure to emphasise the "you".)

What you can actually say, but isn't very healthy in a long run...
Those are totally independent variables.

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If you could sleep with one of my friends, which one would it be?
You can't handle the truth!

What you are thinking...
I wasn't supposed to sleep with your friends?
I was only supposed to sleep with one?
Not like you haven't fucked my best friend before, slut.
That's a tough one. Rebecca has the sweetest little arse, but Josephine has an amazing rack and a great attitude...
Dunno. Which of 'em would sleep with me?

What you must actually say...
You're the only woman I need. (period. stop talking.)
I love you.

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How many other women have you slept with?
This is a good time to practice your fake heart attack routine. Or acquire sudden-onset laryngitis.

What you are thinking...
To be honest, unlike when I'm with you, I don't get much sleep in those situations.
Just to clarify, is this including your friends from the previous question?
Do you have a calculator? A pen and paper would work fine too, I guess, though my math skills aren't what they used to be back when I'd only slept with as many women as I could count on both hands and both feet.
Well, as many of them that I could.

What you must actually say...
I forgot them all when I met you.
I love you.

What you can actually say, but isn't very healthy in a long run...
Do I look like the kind of person who gets laid often? (Not something you want to advertise)

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Are you listening to me?
Listening is integral to success in any relationship. Failing that, work toward creating a decent impersonation — nodding, smiling, and verbal acknowledgements like "Uh huh" and "Yeah" are a good start.

What you are thinking...
What?
Crap. She's asked me something again. What was the last thing I remember her talking about? Her mother's corns? Gah!
No, I'm not. I'm busy. I'm always busy. And you're always talking.
No.
I'm listening, I just don't give a damn.

What you must actually say...
Yes, and you're right. You're completely right.
Yes, and I completely agree.
Uh...Fuchsia Pink? (Fuchsia pink is THE answer to all the female's needs, but do not pronounce it in the form of a question.)
I love you.

What you can actually say, but isn't very healthy in a long run...
*mumbles* Then she'll ask in the form of "what was that?" then you go back at her with "Now who's not listening, huh? Now who's not listenin'?" on slightly raised voice to make a point to her that you WERE "listening". (Note: This is a good way to start divorce proceedings.)
Yes. Yes, of course I am. What was that last bit again? (We did say, less is more)

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What should I wear tonight?
Careful, you may get absolutely lost and not say anything for several minutes... unless you happen to be one of those gay guys who knows every single article of clothing in a woman's closet. But then why are you dating a woman? Get out you poser.

What you are thinking...
Something slutty.
A towel?
Actually, how about nothing?
Me
I DON'T BLOODY CARE!

What you can actually say...
Anything you want, you look good in anything/everything.
I love you.

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Will you love me when I'm old, fat and ugly?
Wake up! This is a trick question, even the hottest broad chick in the world only sees the negative aspects of her looks. Any answer on this one is instantly interpreted as about the here and now. Always remember, removing your tongue with kitchen scissors remains the most viable response to ANY questioning.

What you are thinking...
You already are.
No.
I already do.
Hooray for menopause!
When I'm old I hope I can be one of those old men that somehow pull young attractive women - I wish I could pull young attractive women now.
Well... you're already fat and ugly...
Why the hell am I with you?

What you must actually say...
I love you.

What you can actually say, but isn't very healthy in a long run...
Of course I will. (She'll think of you as a liar.)
Oh honey, that's such a long way off. Let's not talk about such depressing things. (She'll think of you as a romantic liar, which is only a little better.)
That'll never happen to you, sweetie. All laws of physics were suspended for someone as perfect as you. (repealed after field tests revealed nobody can get past the first sentence without breaking down and laughing)

Scientific note: For this question, field tests have proven that you can't actually escape it. This is a question beyond the scope of science or philosophy. Being of a scientific nature, the query requires a truthful scientific answer, but the questioner expects praise (which would be a lie in this case) in return. Thus, neither truth or falsehood will get satisfactory results. This is the ultimate question that no man can escape.