TRANCE, SALSA, DANCE, STORIES & TOFU

Back Filler

2012-01-01T10:55:00.003+08:00

You know something?

I've steadfastly stayed away from updating my blog for the last four years and came back to a whole new way of blogging.

Kudos to Blogspot and then improvements they have made along the way.

Well, it is far easier now to publish, but I have 4 years worth of backlog to catch up on >.<

But one step at a time, eh?

TWENTY TWELVE.

2011-12-31T23:05:00.003+08:00

Oh yeah, I'm back.

It's going to be a great year, peeps.

I'm back.

Oh Yeah! MONEY! DOLLA! Big Dick Playa!

2008-10-27T21:54:00.003+08:00

Buffalaxed "Money Dollar" Lyrics

Get this key, hey ya hottie.
And this car, hey sire.
Whoo, he fill my gas tankkk...
You honk? Horny I am!

How BIG and is it in?
How do I get dollar?
OOooooooo....

How BIG and is it IN???
How do I get dollar???

Puuu-Puuuush it IN her body, Hon-honeeeeey!
Money! Dollar!
Ewwww. Mighty dollar!
Money. Dollar...
Money. Dollar...

I'm feeling frisky, how low hung and how long?
Push it in for money, all day light and night long.
Hand me money dollar!
Honeeey...

Money. Dollar... I loooooooove!
Money! Dollar!
I loooooveeeeeeeeeee... (money, dollar)
IIIIIIiiiiiii LLLLLOOOooooovve!

Her rump! Dumped!
Banana!
Dianna did a dump.
Dunk! Banana!
Sat on a man and...
It was her DADDY!

I did! I liked and I needed him!

Your daddy, daddy, daddy???
YEAH... NO!
It was your MOM!

DON'T TELL DADDY!

Don't tell, Dianna?

Think of daddy, daddy, daddy!

Don't count on feeding him!
Banana!
My nut case! I got it!

His weenie's like a Chinese chimichaaangg...

Now John... here's silllllly puttttttty.
So join us......

Now Karu, she's twirling the dish-towel banner, yah!
Now let's see, Pete, oh he... shit I have to pee!
(Now let's see, Pete, oh he... shit now I have to pee!)
How does uncle have money to buy her?

I just think uncle, I say "Gay, you're tied up!"
Uncle, come here to lease a leopard
I just put Lucy as a hooker for hire...

How come DO NOT you want ME?
I'm definitely hard to tie up!
Oooh, how come DO NOT you want ME?
I'm definitely hard to tire.
Hold on, set your wallet on here...

Monkey Dollar?
Ohhh... Monkey Dollar.
I love, MONKEY DOLLAR!
I loooove monkey dollar...
Oooooooooooooh!

I'm feeling frisky, how low hung and how long?
Push it in for money, all day light and night long.
Hand me money dollar!
Hand me money dollar!
Honeeey...

Mighty dollar!
I love...
Mighty dollar!
I looove...
Mighty dollar...

TROPIC THUNDER! MUTHAFARKIN NIGGA LES GROSSMAN!!!

2008-10-26T10:20:00.003+08:00

FARKIN' AWESOME!!!

Zealotry

2008-09-15T23:41:00.000+08:00

Other people run away screaming when they see a monster.

You run toward it screaming.

Party Route

2008-09-05T21:15:00.002+08:00

It's not what you think.

All will be revealed after the 20th of September!

GOOGLE CHROME - HOW EXCITED I AM

2008-09-04T18:54:00.004+08:00

How excited am I about Google Chrome?

Oh googily-gosh-darn-fudgecakes-hippity-hop-dishwash-soapsuds excited!

And I'm doing a tippity-tap with my feet as I'm telling you this.

It's loooooong overdue for a better way for us to interface online.

Now, if only they would commercialize the Brain-Computer-Interface, and let all of us plug-and-play.

Hoooo-wheeeee! Not long now!

But first, let me play with Google Chrome!

What I've Learnt Watching "Half Nelson"

2008-09-02T22:42:00.003+08:00

People are better able to save each other

than to save themselves.

Watch "Half Nelson", it's gritty, it's visceral, it's real.

Star Wars - Hokkienfied

2008-09-01T21:58:00.002+08:00

Don't understand hokkien? How can?

It's practically 51% of Singlish!

Anyway, here's to get you started, with one of my favourite movies of all time, in one of my favourite dialect to swear in, all the time.

Winning Bid

2008-08-21T19:38:00.005+08:00

ed. transliterated from chinese mandarin.

*bows with a flourish*

TA-DA!

This is what I conceptualized! I present to all of you, honourable Eye-Old-See council members, on the emblem for our grand event this August!

It draws on various elements of our 5,000 year old Chinese culture. Primarily of the traditional red Chinese seal. As you well know, the colour red is seen to be an auspicious colour by Chinese everywhere. Indeed, this idea has now spread around the world, and people everywhere welcome the colour red as an auspicious colour!

The seal is inscribed with a stylised calligraphic rendition of the Chinese character 京. Pronounced "jīng", if you don't know how to speak mandarin, of course, you don't as all of you are smelly foreigners... *coughs* I mean, healthy foragers.

Ha ha ha... As I was saying, this chinese character means "Capital". And you would notice that I have stylized the chinese character into the form of a dancing figure.

You would also notice, that the curves cleverly suggests the body of a wriggling chinese dragon...

*Fervent whispering*

...what do you mean that you don't like dragons? Let me reassure you, that the chinese dragon is a mighty force of good, a truly divine serpentine representative. And when fire spews from our chinese dragons, it shakes both the Heaven and Earth, bringing much needed showers to fertile fields everywhere!

If you would let me continue... The open arms of the figure symbolises the invitation of my country to the world world, to share in its culture. Let us welcome you into our warm embrace, and I assure you, you will feel the strength of our love, the eagerness of our spirit to please all of you!

One after another!

Again and again!

WE'RE HAPPY TO SEE YOU!

*months and many willing winsome chinese dolls later*

International Olympic Committee President J.R. delivered an address at the unveiling ceremony saying,

"Your new emblem immediately conveys the awesome beauty and power of your country which are embodied in your heritage and your people."

He continued,

"In this emblem, I saw the promise and potential of a New B.J. and a Great Event. This is a milestone in the history of your quest. As this new emblem becomes known around the world and, as it takes its place at the centre of your Games, we are confident that it will achieve the stature of one of the best and most meaningful symbols in history."

National Day Rally - ERP Woes

2008-08-17T22:24:00.002+08:00

Yeah, it got postponed because we were trying to win our first Olympic gold medal.

Didn't happen, but hey, we got Silver. Our first since independence.

But enough about that.

I'm here to talk about what PM Lee talked about.

No, screw that, let the YouTube do the talking (or the subtitling, for that matter).

Misspent Youth

2008-08-15T21:14:00.003+08:00

Oh yes. This pretty much sums up my younger days.

Arcade and fast food...

I've always secretly knew there was a reason that I prefered KFC over McDonald's.

Ah... the sweet taste of vindication.

It's finger licking good.

Norwegian Recycling

2008-08-14T19:50:00.002+08:00

In this modern day and age, it's no longer enough to do only one thing.

It's about multi-tasking. It's about being a Renaissance Man.

And we have the technology and the will to achieve that.

Here's a simple, elegant example. Enjoy.

How Six Songs Collide

Norwegian Recycling - 8 Become 1

2008-08-13T20:12:00.002+08:00

Music and video made by Norwegian Recycling

Samples:
1. Black Eyed Peas - Where Is The Love
2. Savage Garden - Crash And Burn
3. Maroon 5 - She Will Be Loved
4. James Blunt - You're Beautiful
5. Atomic Kitten - It's Ok!
6. U2 - With Or Without You
7. Billie The Vision & The Dancers - Summercat
8. Remy Zero - Fair

Norwegian Recycling - 9 Songs To Save The World

2008-08-12T20:31:00.001+08:00

Music and video made by Norwegian Recycling

Samples:
1. Flo Rida feat. Timbaland - Elevator
2. Madonna feat. Justin Timberlake & Timbaland - 4 Minutes
3. Justin Timberlake feat. Clipse - Like I Love You
4. Usher feat. Lil Jon & Ludacris - Yeah
5. Timbaland feat. Nelly Furtado & Justin Timberlake - Give It To Me
6. Britney Spears - Gimme More
7. Timbaland feat. Keri Hilson & D.O.E. - The Way I Are
8. Nelly Furtado - Say It Right
9. Eiffel 65 - Blue (Da Ba Dee)

Norwegian Recycling - Ben Is Chasing Beautiful Girls

2008-08-11T20:42:00.000+08:00

Music and video made by Norwegian Recycling

Samples:
1. Sean Kingston - Beautiful Girls
2. Ben E. King - Stand By Me
3. Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars
4. Alice Deejay - Back In My Life
5. Beverly Hills 90210 - Opening Theme
6. Puff Daddy feat. Faith Evans &112 - I'll Be Missing You

Norwegian Recycling - All Bad Touches (Comes To An End)

2008-08-10T20:44:00.001+08:00

Music and video made by Norwegian Recycling

Samples:
1. Nelly Furtado - All Good Things (Come To An End)
2. Bloodhound Gang - The Bad Touch
3. Alex Parks - Mad World

HAPPY NATIONAL DAY! (A video tribute)

2008-08-09T20:47:00.002+08:00

YEAH SINGAPORE!

I thought I just re-hash some celebratory clips from Mr. Miyagi, a righteous crusader-dude.

HAPPY NATIONAL DAY!!!

CHOW JEDIS!

2008-07-28T23:11:00.003+08:00

What do you mean, you don't know what Hossan Leong is capable of?

... ...

Please loh! Dudette, you seriously need to watch this.

Still don't understand?

Wapiang oei, cannot help you liao.

P.C.C.

2008-07-27T23:00:00.003+08:00

When I first heard about it, I honestly thought it was a joke.

But I verified (by Googling it, of course) it to be true.

Hossan Leong is mightily funny, and we all know what he's capable of, but more importantly for me, I really don't believe that he doesn't know where he's working at.

Paul Carr Consultancy.

I mean... Seriously?!

Sex. And You Thought Others Had It Easy.

2008-07-26T17:14:00.002+08:00

Erm. Not Really.

But you have to say, the farting was handled real delicately.

*grin*

I Love Musicals, Especially Indie Ones.

2008-07-20T08:30:00.004+08:00

Oh, did I tell you I love musicals? Especially indie ones?

No?

Well, I LOVE MUSICALS, ESPECIALLY INDIE ONES.

So you need to watch this PRONTO. Like right now. Immediately.

No excuses.

http://www.drhorrible.com/

Great, isn't it? I love musicals, especially indie ones.

The World Makes Me Wanna Break Out In Song!

2008-07-10T13:24:00.001+08:00

BOOM DE AH DAH!!!

We Didn't Start The Fire - Best Version Ever With Lyric Links!

2008-07-08T21:02:00.004+08:00

Hossan Leong - He Didn't Start The Fire (THE MTV!)

2008-06-25T22:44:00.003+08:00

It's the one year anniversary of this blogpost of mine!

Kudos to NCHProductions! They're amazing! Visit and watch their videos today!

What To Say To Your Stalker

2008-06-13T21:39:00.001+08:00

Remember that cheesy Visa video?

Here's how you deal with your crazy indian stalker.

Attach this note to your mailbox
**************************************************************************************
a) How did you get into my mailbox in the first place, it is locked
b) Did you kill the bird?
c) It died horribly, that much was clear
d) You're psycho?
e) Do I know you?
f) If I do know you, I don't want to know you
g) If I don't know you, what did I do to inspire you to put a dead bird in my mailbox?
h) I don't know how to disinfect a mailbox from a dead bird, I'm worried about diseases and have used five different kinds of cleaner but still feel like the bird's still in there still and like my bills and my catalogues and my coupons have dead bird on them
i) It was a hummingbird, I looked it up - they don't even live in Singapore - this is so f*ing psycho, I can't believe this
j) Are you the mailman?
k) I'm always nice to the mailman
l) The town council didn't care when I told them what happened
m) The neighbors didn't care either
n) Do you have some kind of problem with birds?
o) Don't put anything else in my mailbox
p) Unless it's an apology
q) No, I take that back, I don't even want an apology
r) What am I supposed to do with this bird - it's in bubblewrap in a bag in a shoebox in the freezer right now - am I supposed to bury it - Where? How? In a construction site where they've jackhammered through the concrete - Where is a person supposed to bury things in this city?
s) I could drop it in the Singapore River, but that seems undignified
t) I could drop it in the ocean, but the ocean is so big and it is such a small bird
u) I could drop it in the toilet but it would probably get stuck
v) I hear this whirring around my ears every time I go to the mailbox and I'm pretty sure it's ghost bird, and I'm all "it wasn't me that killed you, bird!" but still the whirring doesn't go away until I get into the elevator
w) Am I supposed to eat it - maybe you were trying to feed me - don't you know I'm a vegetarian
x) If this was Denise, I'm gonna beat your ass, mommy told you to stop protesting for the environment
y) If this was Kevin, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, how many times I gotta say I'm sorry
z) I could drop it off the roof, maybe it will reincarnate while falling and I can start reading my snail mail again

What An Idiot

2008-06-12T21:20:00.003+08:00

She said: "That's not the point, Kevin. Let me take a cold shower. I need to think."

I said: "Pffft."

She said: "As always, best conversation in a long long time."

I said: "You need me to take on this problem of yours. Cold showers can wait."

She said: "I understand your need for challenges. But this is not one that you might like to get entangled with anyway."

I said: "*raises eyebrow* You never said that to me before."

She said: "I'm sure marriage will bring you its fair share of problems. Or rather challenges. (Sounds better)"

I said: "I guess that means you knew that of me, but you never came out and said it."

She said: "I knew it all along."

I said: "YOU ARE SUCH AN IDIOT. What took you so bloody long to say that? Was it so very difficult?"

She said: "Why the need to hear it from me?"

I said: "God, xxxx. You are such an idiot."

She said: "What? What did I do now?"

I said: "Go take your cold shower."

She said: "Aye Aye."

I said: "Idiot."

She said: "Thanks Kevin. You're the best!"

Why I Am Temporarily Addicted To Forums

2008-06-10T22:45:00.002+08:00

Because of the beautiful prose. I had a linguistical orgasm after chancing upon this.

*************************************************************************************
Dear Sir,

I must confess that I was somewhat taken aback upon reading your email. Indeed, it has taken some time for me to sufficiently recuperate from my surprise. Lest your confidence quickly inflate for little reason (as we know is the predisposition for SGX types), allow me to hasten to reassure you that the source of my surprise was neither your candor nor the accuracy of your perception. Indeed, it is your "claimed" success in light of your poor grasp of economics which has me baffled. If the standards required to meet with financial success on SGX have sunk so low, perhaps I should indeed "make my own money", except for the fact that the effort/reward ratio is far too high for my liking - especially when so many of your ilk have displayed a far more cogent grasp of market realities than you have.

By now you are likely scratching your ever-vanishing hairline in confusion, so allow me to elaborate, dear man. To build some credibility I will tell you a bit more about yourself. Though you did not mention the details of your occupation, it is clear that you are an investment banker and not a trader, as any good trader would understand that human courtships are based upon a semi-efficient open market, and not an investment banking cartel. However, your inability to grasp the realities of the dating market is not surprising, given that you have successfully employed the tools of collusion and market manipulation rather that true acumen in your supposed wealth generation.

If your grasp of finance were not a minority partner with your ego, you would realize that the "outflows" associated with my depreciating "assets" are quite certain, and therefore subject to a low discount rate when determining their present value. In addition, though your concept of economics evidentially failed to move past the 1950s, advancement in plastic surgery is not subject to the same limitation. Thus, with some additional capital expenditure, the overall lifetime of "outflows" generated by these assets is greatly increased. Sad that Ashton Kutcher has demonstrated understanding of the female asset class which you, in all of your financial "wisdom", have not.

You, on the other hand, are, given the uncertainty of the SGX job market, more of an inflation-indexed junk bond with an underwater nested call option. Though you may argue that you are more of an equity investment, my monetary minimums required from you do not change, and if you are unable to pay them, I will liquidate you without the benefit of a chapter 20, just as you would me.

Because your outflows are so much more uncertain with respect to mine, I require additional compensation in the form of a underwater nested call option on your future assets. I say underwater because, even taking into account the value of your junk bond coupon payment to me, the value of my "outflow" is in excess of the market price of your equity (which is quite low due to its riskiness associated with your poor grasp of finance and my existing claim upon your junk bond coupon).

I must thank you though for raising the question, despite the reputation cost of subjecting your weak logic to such widespread scrutiny. This took either considerable courage or ignorance on your part- and we'll give you the benefit of doubt, just this once. My current boyfriend (a trader who lives in Boulevard Residences, of course) and I thoroughly enjoyed discussing your response and we wish you the best of luck in your unhappy pursuit of that elusive market inefficiency.

This message is in response to:

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully
about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.
Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your
bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I
see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a
crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you
suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring
my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my
money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely
that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't
be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning
asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation
accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty
hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in
earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in SGX terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy
and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense
to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case
you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were
to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's
as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So,
I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful"
as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to
believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K
hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then
we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way.
Classic "pump and dump."
I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of
lease, let me know.

Provocation

2008-06-09T20:50:00.003+08:00

Really sorry about not updating my blog.

I kinda got sucked back into forum posting, and I'm been busy discussing, arguing, and proving what I believe and say is right.

Self-Righteousness. It's addictive.

Anyway, I thought I would post something extremely interesting and relevant to my blog.

Quote:

Originally Posted by "Idiot"

Excuse me? The guy who posted those guidelines referred to me as an idiot without provocation. And you rally around him?

Quote:

Originally Posted by "Non-idiot"

Frankly, yes. And it's not without provocation. Being an idiot is provocation.

What Guys Want To Hear...

2008-05-20T22:23:00.003+08:00

...But probably never, ever will hear in so long as they shall live.

I want you to pull out your big, thick cock within five seconds of our first meeting. I want to kneel at your feet and worship you (and your organ) like a greek god. I will take your throbbing love-stick in my mouth and service you like a pro. I will lick the head of your penis, concentrating on the sensitive spot underneath the head, where it meets the shaft. I will then take you fully into my mouth, and move my head all the way down, swallowing the entire length. When you're all the way in and I'm fighting not to gag, I will move all the way back to the tip, then repeat. I will continue, up and down, until I feel that you're about to cum; then I'll stop, lick my way down to your balls, and take them both in my mouth while stroking your cock with my hand. I will then move around to your back, spread the cheeks of your ass and rim your asshole with my tongue while stroking your cock. I'll shove a finger or two up there, if you like.

Once you're good and hard, I'll let you eat my pussy for a while, preferably until I cum two or three times. A little rimming of your own would be nice. Attention can be paid to my 36 D-cup breasts, or I can pinch my nipples myself. Once my juices are flowing, you can proceed to the fucking. Shove your cock in me, hard, all the way in. The harder the better, and if you're hung like a horse, my prayers have been answered. Keep going. Don't worry about me; I will make myself cum again on my own, either with old-fashioned diddling or my trusty vibrator. My ass needs attention, too, don't forget-I'm a three-input kinda girl! After you've made me cum fucking me the old-fashioned way, slowly (and gently, please!) push your huge dick up my ass. Use lots of astro-glide. I will be a little hesitant at first, but then the yummy pleasure-mixed-with-pain will start to kick in, and I'll get really into it. I'll start shoving my ass back against your cock as hard as I can, until I explode with the hardest orgasm yet. At this point, if you feel like getting your freak on, we can pop in a porno and emulate whatever is happening on the screen. Or, I can pull out my cache of sex toys. You can have me straddle an enormous uber-cock and work as much of it into my vagina as I can take, while you get in on the action by fucking me up the ass. You want a threesome? No problem. I'll invite one of my crazy girlfriends over, and you can watch me eat her out while you masturbate. Or, she can sit on my face while you fuck me. Another option is you banging me from behind while I lick her pussy. The possibilities are endless, really.

Once that's over, feel free to pull out and cum on my ass / tits / face / mouth / whatever. Just as long as you cum hard, baby.

So that's why you ladies need to learn how to say this properly. Memorize it. Practise this in front of a mirror, as you lick your lips, and flutter your bedroom eyes.

This has been a public service broadcast.

Analyst Seeking Romance

2008-05-18T21:54:00.005+08:00

I love this so much, I posting it as it is.

Enjoy!

*************************************************************************************
Hello,

ABOUT YOU:
You are a young and good-looking girl. The parental abuse that you incurred as a child has left you emotionally distant and sexually repressed. You are able to sustain months (years?) of loneliness because you shudder at the thought of human interaction. You have a constant feeling of inadequacy leading to excessive hours on the elliptical machine (and, accordingly, a nicely toned bum). I might do stuff to you while you are sleeping at 4AM (when I finally get home from the office), but, other than that, our sex-life will be nonexistent. Naive girls who have been in long-distance relationships and have had their hearts broken by guys who perpetually cheated are more than welcome to email me; I promise that I'm different.

ABOUT ME:
I am a first year analyst at an express logistics firm; this means that I'm either Asian, or from old-money (and, therefore, connected up the wazoo). Given that this post is (hopefully) grammatically correct, coherently legible, and satirically palatable, I'd like to think that I got into my job based on merits associated with my intelligence; therefore, I'm probably not from old money and am not connected up the wazoo (sorry).

I got into express logistics as a result of an overwhelming abundance of insecurities. I went to a top-tiered and prestigious undergraduate university, yet, have always felt inferior to the Harvardites and Princetonians that surround me. I'm likely either short and socially outcasted (with excellent kung-fu skills) or schnoz-nosed and unable to date, as every girl I meet in and around my office is a elistist slut that reminds me of a very bad relationship (don't ask).

I go to the gym every morning, as my unnecessarily ambitious and secretively compensating type-A personality forces me to always strive for the best. That, and also the endorphins released from the exercise keep me elated enough to prevent attempting suicide for at least 24 hours.

I approach dating as I do anything else; as a strict meritocracy where I compete to win. At bars, I won't tell girls that I'm an analyst; I feel that it would be unfair to take a girl home by playing the pity card ("Oh, you work as an analyst? I feel so bad for you. Hmm, I guess I'll sleep with you."). I'll likely say that I'm a math teacher at the MINDS School (my Asian heritage helps me here) so that girls realize that I'm piss-poor (as are all my other analyst buddies, despite what we tell our family and friends back home) but have Epstein potential.

My interests include playing brickbreaker on my blackberry, romantic dinners expensed to my firm, and finding novel ways to entertain myself during late-night hours (photoediting my artfully crafted photos at 3AM - FUN; getting head from you while you hide under my desk - PROBABLY FUNNER).

If you fit my description (and God help you if you do...) feel free to email me. Pictures of boobs (yours or random ones you find on the internet) would be helpful to include in the email. As I'm posting this with my work email address, I'm hoping to get lucky enough that some back-office rat finds the inappropriate content during a routine inbox sweep, so that I can finally be liberated from this relentless world of superficial elitism. I'm talking about the old-money guys.

The Complete Idiot's Guide To Talking To Women

2008-05-17T17:27:00.002+08:00

Does this make me look fat?
The textbook classic. If you've never heard this one then you've never dated anyone.

What you are thinking...
Does this suit make me look bald?
Not to Ray Charles or Stevie Wonder.
It's a pair of pants, not a reality-reversal field.
Nonsense, the material is what holds the fat in.
No, the visible light spectrum makes you look fat.
Hmmm... let me jog around you a few times to take a look. See you in 20.
No, but just in case we should ask a salesperson about the tensile strength of that fabric.
No, it's that other dress that makes you look fat.
Hey! That dress actually does make you look thin! Buy that!
Do I look dumb in this shirt?
I hear liposuction is very affordable these days.
No, no, no, turn around. There. Now you look fat.
Well, no. Not all of you. Only certain parts of you.
I can't see. Come out from behind that fat woman and I'll tell you.
Not fat, but the massive amounts of fur make you look like a very angry bear.
Let me just step back and fit it all in.

What you must actually say...
No, of course not.
You look beautiful.
It looks beautiful.
I love you.

What you can actually say, but isn't very healthy in a long run...
What I think isn't as important as loving yourself for who you are.
Let's have salad for lunch.

******************************************************************************

The camera adds ten pounds, doesn't it?
I know I'm overweight but in serious denial. Deny with me.

What you are thinking...
That's an old wives' tale, started by old, fat wives.
Don't test the warranty return policy — Kodak would disagree with you.
It's not a hardware problem, it's a software problem.
Pictures don't lie, unless you photoshop them. And you do.
Don't shoot the messenger.
That daily bucket of Cheetos might have had something to do with it.
Let's see... add 10 pounds for the Häagen-Dazs, 10 pounds for the "extra crispy recipe" from KFC, 10 pounds for your daily double latte with triple sugar and triple cream, 10 pounds for your chocolate addiction, ...eh... what are we up to now? I think I'm still 30 pounds short somewhere.
The 10 pounds was there before I took the picture, and unfortunately, is still here now. And then some.
You need to lose a lot more than 10 pounds to look thin.
How many cameras were used to take this picture?

What you must actually say...
Not to you, baby.
Oh (name), you're always your own worst critic.
You look beautiful.
I love you.

What you can actually say, but isn't very healthy in a long run...
The more the merrier.
The bigger the cushion, the sweeter the pushin'. (Oh, bad! Very bad. Don't go there.)

******************************************************************************

Do you love me?
Here's a noose. Try it on for size.

What you are thinking...
Like whiskey and football?
More than masturbation? Usually.
Only when things are going into your mouth, not coming out.
Define love.
Damn. Busted. I wonder what Lydia is doing tonight?

What you must actually say...
You're perfect for me. (sweet, but actually non-committal)
You're everything I ever wanted. (at least until something better comes along)
I can't imagine not having you in my life. (i.e. "I feel trapped!" but it'll sound good to her)
I love you.

What you can actually say, but isn't very healthy in a long run...
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......yes? (pauses are deadly)
You are a special person in my life.
You are very important to me.

******************************************************************************

Do you love me for my brains or my body?
The no-win situation... pick one and she feels stupid, pick the other and she feels ugly.

What you are thinking...
Mmmmm. Boobs.
Shit! Now I'm totally fucked.
Is there any possible answer I can give that won't result in me getting a knee in the groin?
I like your mind, I just wish it was programmable like my remote control.
Body wins by default, can't choose what isn't there, right?

What you must actually say...
You're the perfect combination of both.
You have everything, which is why I fell in love with you. (practice controlling your gag reflex before using this one)
Yes.
I love you. (Make sure to emphasise the "you".)

What you can actually say, but isn't very healthy in a long run...
Those are totally independent variables.

******************************************************************************

If you could sleep with one of my friends, which one would it be?
You can't handle the truth!

What you are thinking...
I wasn't supposed to sleep with your friends?
I was only supposed to sleep with one?
Not like you haven't fucked my best friend before, slut.
That's a tough one. Rebecca has the sweetest little arse, but Josephine has an amazing rack and a great attitude...
Dunno. Which of 'em would sleep with me?

What you must actually say...
You're the only woman I need. (period. stop talking.)
I love you.

******************************************************************************

How many other women have you slept with?
This is a good time to practice your fake heart attack routine. Or acquire sudden-onset laryngitis.

What you are thinking...
To be honest, unlike when I'm with you, I don't get much sleep in those situations.
Just to clarify, is this including your friends from the previous question?
Do you have a calculator? A pen and paper would work fine too, I guess, though my math skills aren't what they used to be back when I'd only slept with as many women as I could count on both hands and both feet.
Well, as many of them that I could.

What you must actually say...
I forgot them all when I met you.
I love you.

What you can actually say, but isn't very healthy in a long run...
Do I look like the kind of person who gets laid often? (Not something you want to advertise)

******************************************************************************

Are you listening to me?
Listening is integral to success in any relationship. Failing that, work toward creating a decent impersonation — nodding, smiling, and verbal acknowledgements like "Uh huh" and "Yeah" are a good start.

What you are thinking...
What?
Crap. She's asked me something again. What was the last thing I remember her talking about? Her mother's corns? Gah!
No, I'm not. I'm busy. I'm always busy. And you're always talking.
No.
I'm listening, I just don't give a damn.

What you must actually say...
Yes, and you're right. You're completely right.
Yes, and I completely agree.
Uh...Fuchsia Pink? (Fuchsia pink is THE answer to all the female's needs, but do not pronounce it in the form of a question.)
I love you.

What you can actually say, but isn't very healthy in a long run...
*mumbles* Then she'll ask in the form of "what was that?" then you go back at her with "Now who's not listening, huh? Now who's not listenin'?" on slightly raised voice to make a point to her that you WERE "listening". (Note: This is a good way to start divorce proceedings.)
Yes. Yes, of course I am. What was that last bit again? (We did say, less is more)

******************************************************************************

What should I wear tonight?
Careful, you may get absolutely lost and not say anything for several minutes... unless you happen to be one of those gay guys who knows every single article of clothing in a woman's closet. But then why are you dating a woman? Get out you poser.

What you are thinking...
Something slutty.
A towel?
Actually, how about nothing?
Me
I DON'T BLOODY CARE!

What you can actually say...
Anything you want, you look good in anything/everything.
I love you.

******************************************************************************

Will you love me when I'm old, fat and ugly?
Wake up! This is a trick question, even the hottest broad chick in the world only sees the negative aspects of her looks. Any answer on this one is instantly interpreted as about the here and now. Always remember, removing your tongue with kitchen scissors remains the most viable response to ANY questioning.

What you are thinking...
You already are.
No.
I already do.
Hooray for menopause!
When I'm old I hope I can be one of those old men that somehow pull young attractive women - I wish I could pull young attractive women now.
Well... you're already fat and ugly...
Why the hell am I with you?

What you must actually say...
I love you.

What you can actually say, but isn't very healthy in a long run...
Of course I will. (She'll think of you as a liar.)
Oh honey, that's such a long way off. Let's not talk about such depressing things. (She'll think of you as a romantic liar, which is only a little better.)
That'll never happen to you, sweetie. All laws of physics were suspended for someone as perfect as you. (repealed after field tests revealed nobody can get past the first sentence without breaking down and laughing)

Scientific note: For this question, field tests have proven that you can't actually escape it. This is a question beyond the scope of science or philosophy. Being of a scientific nature, the query requires a truthful scientific answer, but the questioner expects praise (which would be a lie in this case) in return. Thus, neither truth or falsehood will get satisfactory results. This is the ultimate question that no man can escape.

Worst Thing To Ever Say To A Girl

2008-05-06T22:09:00.001+08:00

"Yeah I slept with someone else, but I had to think about you to get off.”

It's HOT!!!

2008-05-03T22:07:00.002+08:00

It's so damn HOT!

Aitch-Ayy-Double-DoubleYew-Tee.

HAWWT!!!

AAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!

*perspires profusely*

Here's A Motivational Poster For You!

2008-05-02T00:45:00.003+08:00

You know all those shitty inspirational posters that your boss thought would be a brilliant idea to hang around the office?

Well, Chris Goh, a good friend of mine, took a good look at a certain photo taken some time back, and decided that he could do a lot better, and came up with this.

Sheer brilliance, don't you think?

Anyway, it's rightful home should be here, so that Chris could start earning mega-bucks from the sales of his motivational posters.

I AM MIGHTY

2008-04-23T22:34:00.002+08:00

I so get a kick out of watching this, over and over again.

So click on the below link,

visit my own personal website of self-empowerment

and appreciate just how MIGHTY I am!

TRICORN, YOU ARE MIGHTY INDEED!

Chillin' On A Magnificent Sunday

2008-04-20T10:04:00.005+08:00

It's Sunday, and I love to chill with my love at Sentosa.

The Sun, the breeze, the sands, the Sea.

And music playing gently, soothingly.

We laugh and we talk about our shining future together, forever.

Enjoy!

I'm Yours
Jason Mraz

Well, you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
And now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out
I'll be giving it my bestest
Nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn, to win some or learn some

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours!

Well, open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn, you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love, love, love
Listen to the music of the moment, people dance and sing
We're just one big family
It's our God-forsaken right to be loved, love, loved, love... Love!

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm sure!
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours!

Do you want to come on
Scoot on over closer, dear
And I'll nibble your ear...

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and I laughed
I guess what I've been saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue!

But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours!

Open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn, you're free!
Look into your heart and you'll find the skies is yours!

So please don't, please don't, please don't
There's no need to complicate
'Coz our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours!

My Xi'an Trip - Day 3

2008-03-19T20:02:00.005+08:00

*GACK!*

It's another sooty morning in Xi'an. When I was in Boise, it was waking up everyday being rudely shocked by the metal door handle. The air was awfully dry in the american highlands, and it was very easy to generate megawatts of static electricity. But what I wouldn't give to have that Boisean air again, painful jolt not withstanding, rather than this perpetual smog shortening my life every time I take a breath.

That is why whenever I get ready for work at seven in the morning, it always fascinates me just watching down from my hotel room window.

'What's so incredible?' might you ask? Look a little closer.

In the haze, in the eternal brown gunk particles envelope, in the hazardous smog, there are literally hundreds of Xi'anians exercising. Keeping themselves healthy, as it were.

Amazing.

Well, the day at work was uneventful. It was nothing but my usual song-and-dance routine for the top management of my customer. Flashy slides, and even more flashy proposals to wow stony-faced vice-presidents. Followed by what I do best, candid discussion and socializing. All in all, a pretty normal day.

Ah. But the day was pretty special, because it actually ended early. And we all know what that means. More time for R&R!

Or in my case, a chance to visit what everyone associates Xi'an for...

The Terracotta Army of the First Emperor of China.

WOOT!

Before I hopped into a cab to visit, we all had our photos taken in front of my customer's main building. I'm proud to have worked together with Ernest. You don't get a more level-headed guy than Ernest, his grasp of logistics is astounding. Earnestly speaking, without his input, I doubt my presentation would have gone as well. *grin*

Ernest had a plane to catch later that evening, so he couldn't have joined me for the short getaway. He really wanted to, as it was his first time in Xi'an. But his plane was already booked, and the drive from my customer's place to the 兵马俑 was over two hours. He told me to enjoy myself and take lots of pictures to send to him, and I wished him a safe journey back home to his family in Hong Kong.

With fond farewells behind me, I was on my way to the famed UNESCO World Heritage Site!

Two hours later, I reached my destination.

The air was still bad all the way here in the grand mountains of Xi'an, which was a crying shame. The view of the park around the cairns of the Terracotta Army is simply magnificent. Flanked by a glorious mountain range on the left, and a raging white river on the right, the feng shui of the area is perfect. The First Emperor couldn't have chosen a better place to rest his tired old bones for eternity.

Even though I arrived on a wednesday afternoon, the place was filled with tourists like myself. There were long queues for entrance tickets, and amongst the queues were ladies in purple jackets working the crowd. I realise almost immediately that they were offering their services as tour guides. When I finally got my ticket, a smart-looking lady approached me and asked in english if I needed a guide. Good call on her part. I instantly agreed.

In hindsight, I should have double checked if she was going to conduct the tour in english, since my grasp of mandarin is merely for casual conversation. However, my guide was quite understanding, and spoke as simply as I could follow while explaining to me the wonderous sights in and about the whole place.

My dear tour guide spoke in great length about the history of the Terracotta Army, and even though I couldn't follow every single word she said, I was conversant enough with my cultural history to catch most of the historical references my guide was trying her best to point out to me.

I could elected to take the golf cart to drive through the park, but I wanted to enjoy impressive scenery, so it was a fifteen minute walk to reach the Terracotta Army.

And reach it we eventually did.

Unbelievable, I never thought that my very first visit to the lands of my ancestors would be to this close to the First Emperor of China, 秦始皇.

The Terracotta Army is one of China's first UNESCO World Heritage Site, and the Chinese people are quite proud of it, and according to my guide, drawing over ten thousand visitors daily.

Rounding the corner of the huge wall plaque, you are presented with...

A pair of geese.

Yup, you heard me right the first time. A pair of geese, made of bronze.

Turns out that these pair of geese were the first whole archaelogical find from digging around the terracotta excavation site.

According to the description beneath the bronze water geese, it states that "They are arranged on the level ground at the bottom of the pit one after another, imitating the lives of water animals on the river, they depict that how the animals of royal garden are looking for food, walking and resting."

Erm... Ok... Now where's the terracotta warriors, I'm getting bored here.

Following my guide for the day, she saw that I wasn't too interested in poultry, so she brought me to something slightly more interesting. A reconstruction of the entire land around the 兵马俑 site.

After that, we sauntered further into the building, and saw more bronze artefacts that had been unearthed along with the terracotta warriors.

Just to summarize, here's the video of the tour thus far. And you can hear how excellent my tour guide is.

Turns out that the building I was in, wasn't the actual one housing the terracotta army. My tour guide wanted me to have a foundational understanding first, before showing me the best stuff first. She's really good.

So this is the actual building with the 兵马俑.

In due time, we entered into the main part of the building and I beheld the might terracotta army for the first time in my life.

Now if I had a better camera, I would have taken this photo instead...

My erstwhile tour guide suggested at this point that I would take a photo of myself before the Terracotta Army as a keepsake, after which she promptly shoved a photo tout who started his rote pitch about how he knows the best angles and develops the best photos and yadda, yadda... My mind automatically tuned out the sales pitch and I told him to go skewer himself on the flagposts outside. Politely, of course. My tour guide promptly pushed the photo tout back out into the jostling crowd, and smiles sweetly at me. As I was constantly snapping photos with my K800i camera phone, she asked if I would like her to snap a photo of me at this 'best' photo spot.

Heh. Always hold out, and get the sweetest deal.

After the first blurred shot, I had hoped that the second would turn out better.

Maybe my tour guide was purposefully blurring my photos, but hey, she's an excellent guide thus far, and I'll pegged it to her inexperience with my Sony Ericsson phone.

After getting my camera phone back from her, my tour guide proceeded on to explaining all the history behind the founding the terracotta army and the timeline events of the excavation site. I was just busy snapping photos of the place.

Anyway, no matter how many photos I snap of the final resting ground of the massive Terracotta Army, it wouldn't be enough to convey the grandeur of the place.

So I found this nifty 360° photo taken by the World Heritage site. Enjoy!

A 360 view of the Terracotta Army.

As above, here's the video summary of my guided tour of the Terracotta Army!

To let you have an understanding in what kind of condition that the Terracotta warriors were initially found in, here's a Before photo.

And here's After many thousand craftsmen hours later.

While walking around the Terracotta excavation site, I actually found my coffee. Unfortunately it was closed on that day.

My Xi'an Trip - Day 2

2008-03-18T21:43:00.006+08:00

I woke up with a hacking cough and some seriously nasty snot. I never had gritty snot before. Guess there's a first for everything. I hope I never get it ever again.

I dressed and proceeded downstairs for my hotel breakfast. Ah... I was thinking of all my chinese breakfast food, fired beehoon, fried fritters, wanton noodles. I wanted the best that chinese food can offer!

And here's what I ended up eating.

After that hugely unsatisfying breakfast (I groaned inwardly when I thought of repeating that experience for the next 2 days), it's time to take a good look around Xi'an before getting to work.

Stepping out of my hotel, I just had to take a shot of it.

I'm staying on the 17th floor of the oval tower on the right. It goes up as high as twenty four floors and apparently, it's the tallest building around Xi'an.

Now there's one thing you have to understand about the roads of Xi'an, and that's exactly it. They are just roads. What I mean is that other than tarmac and tar, there's no other adornments that orderly Singaporeans are so used to.

In other words, there are NO road markings. Vehicles are traveling in certain direction because the vehicles behind and in front are traveling in the same direction. I guess it's considered extremely bad form if you happen to drive in the opposite direction as opposed to everyone else, but you can do that. Why? Because there are absolutely no markings on the road. But hey, why should some white paint dictate how you should run your life? White paint evidently didn't bother the vehicles going every which way, and the hundreds of pedestrians crossing the busy roads.

I was one of those pedestrians, and I kid you not, I was pissed scared. I did not suffer a 12 hour flight to be mauled by an errant truck, and bleed weakly onto a dusty road.

But if I wanted to get to here...

...I have to brave this crazy China traffic, just like the doddering old man hobbling with his cane. Damn it. If an old man can cross this road, then a virile, sprighty young dude such as myself can cross this damn road-without-any-pedestrian-crossing-white-markings.

*swoosh* And there goes that old man, and a moment later, he was hobbling on the opposite pavement. How. The. Fuck. Did. He. Do. That? What the hell is this? Land of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon?

Wait. It IS the Land of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. And this pathetic descendent of chinese immigrants is trembling from fear of vehicular death.

*sighs* I've got to do it some day. My muscles tensed. My eyes squinted. My feet dug into the dust-stained pavement. I tasted the air. I spat in disgust due to the dirt. I caused people around to back away fearfully...

Then I sprinted across the road.

WHICH IS THE WRONG WAY TO CROSS ROADS IN XI'AN.

I narrowly avoided death as trucks, taxis, buses and even bicycles swerved to get out of my reckless way. But I did really the other side, heheh, like the proverbial chicken. A close brush with death always bring hilarity into one's life.

I realised slightly later that to cross the road takes patience (which I do not have in abundance) and a high tolerance level against huge metal objects moving at high speed violating your personal space again and again. The whole point is not to bolt across like a frightened jackrabbit, else you will be smeared like a jackrabbit roadkill.

But made it I did, and I strolled casually along the pavement for a while. Enough time for me to stop trembling. That's when I came across this surprising sight.

Colour me purple and call me Barney! I traveled to China and see chinese people play croquet! Woah. Croquet in China. Am I the only person to see the irony in this?

Making my way towards the castle walls, I caught sight of this lone angler trying his luck. Was he trying to catch breakfast? Was he relaxing? Was he damn bored to fish at 7.30am in the morning?

I got to the walls, but there wasn't a way up, or at least none of which I could see from here. Maybe I will have better luck within the castle walls.

What greeted me was the hustle and bustle of your typical city life. Vehicles beeping. Buses screeching to a halt. People rushing to and fro. Men snorting and spitting on the ground right besides me... Trusts me, that happens a lot, and something tells me that I'll never get used to it. I know my shoes need a spit-shine, but this is ridiculous.

Architectural styles have always been inspiring to me, you have your Gothic styles, your Ottoman styles, your Renaissance styles, etc. etc. And Xi'an evidently thought kitsch was the way to go. Especially for their night clubs and restaurants.

Wandering around Xi'an city, I came across this gaudy gate. If I'm reading this right, it means 'Crate Gate'.

And near 'Crate Gate' is Kitschy Alley. Oh alright, that isn't the actual name, but it was selling every tourist's wet dream of collecting authentic chinese artefacts. So, 'Kitschy Alley' it is.

This was an eye-catcher too. You can't miss it. If there was a bright revolving light at the top, it could have been a religious lighthouse for the vehicles driving past.

Eventually, my meandering concluded with this. The reason I braved crazy chinese roads for.

I had to buy a ticket to get in, and that act in itself was like some temporal displacement, as thousands of years ago, visitors such as myself had to pay to get through the city walls.

Reinforcing that idea is exactly why there were two guys dressed in faux ancient suits of armour, guarding the city wall gates. Fast forward to the present day, you can recoil in how cheesy the whole setup was.

I didn't take a photo of those 'imperial gate guards', they make take it offensively and shove their aluminium swords into tender places on my body, or worse, charge me for photo op. *shudder*

Having my ticket inspected, and subsequently ripped, with the stub returned to me. The actual gate guard, a teenager with a bored expression, waved me through. And I walked into history.

Getting to the other side, I turned around to view my Time Warp Tunnel, and noticed it had a name.

Huffing and puffing in the polluted Xi'an air, I climbed the huge steps up to the city walls. You know those informative floorplans found in buildings to show where you are? Here's the Xi'an City Wall's version.

I looked in the direction pointed out by the bow and arrow, and saw exhuastion there.

So I strolled to the nearest building structure to seek shelter from the searing morning sun, and maybe get some relief from the smoky air.

There was an interesting sign, explaining to you the purpose of the Main Gate Tower. Took me a while to figure out what it said to me.

A bout of coughing drove me into the Gate Tower quick.

Well, at least, I got shelter. Contained within the Main Gate Tower, is many, many chinese artefacts for sale. Not interested in the least, since it would be hard to explain why I'm dragging around a 10 foot chinese calligraphy to work later that day. So I searched for the stairs up to the second floor. I knew there was one, since I saw camera-toting tourists walking along the second-story corridors above, so I searched diligently for the staircase.

Took me several minutes, as there were no signs whatsoever pointing the right way, and it was hidden behind huge shelves of pottery. Regarding about the pottery, it should be of no surprise for you, that it had a 'Made In China' mark imprinted at the bottom of each piece of pottery. *grin*

Anyhow, I climbed up the rickety wooden staircase, passed by a trio of service staff dressed as court ladies, whispering quietly to themselves over a pot of chinese tea. A pot, I noticed, which still had a price tag attached to them. No better way to show that your products are usable, then by using them.

I got out, and had a magnificent view of Xi'an.

By the time, I got to the west side of the Gate Tower, a nice cleaning lady was mopping the floor with a dirt-trapping flat mop. She wanted me to go ahead and snap my panoroma shot, but I told her nicely that what she was doing was more important. She positively preened at that compliment, and offered to share her isotonic drink with me. What a nice lady!

Having fulfilled three-quarters of my 360° photographic attempt, I climbed back down the wooden staircase, and further explored the Xi'an city walls. I glanced at the time while walking, and realised it was just 8am. Glancing up, I saw this ancient sculpture.

I disposed of the isotonic drink the nice cleaning lady gave me in the ancient sculpture, and went on my merry way.

This caught my eye.

As I was squatting to snap all the photos of the bow and arrow, a bunch of elderly chinese tourists snickered as they hobbled by. Maybe they thought I had never seen a bow and arrow before. Well, maybe I never hobbled by before too. And maybe it was purely coincidental that I had a major case of flatulence when they hobbled directly behind me. They couldn't hobble away quickly enough, and I breezed right by them.

I think one of the old men were gacking and coughing, oh well, they really should do something about the bad air in Xi'an.

Luck was with me, and I got a good view of the western flank from the famed city walls of Xi'an.

Hey, that's my hotel on the left, featuring prominently on the Xi'an cityscape! In the end, I didn't get to walk the length and breath of the city walls, for I did not believe I would have enough breath for that endeavour. More importantly, I had to get my arse to work, so I had better wrap up my short walking tour here.

Walking out of the city, I had to visit this gate I passed by earlier.

It's pretty amazing to me, that with the air this bad, you will still have people walking around briskly to enjoy the 'fine' morning air. It wasn't a surprise that I heard these two wheezing as I walked past them.

Look at the time! Gotta hurry... And I would have, if I didn't chance upon this!

And he knew he got me when several people actually stopped and suggested ways to break the stalemate. The old man just laughed cruelly in their faces and showed how wrong they were.

I was enthralled. I was late. I couldn't help it, my chinese heritage got the better of me, and I just had to solve this chess puzzle.

So much for being in Xi'an for business. As far as I was concerned, this was business.

My Xi'an Trip - Day 1

2008-03-17T22:21:00.009+08:00

"WOOT! I'm finally in China!", I thought exuberantly. That exhilaration lasted exactly 2 seconds, which was the amount of time needed for me take in a deep breath as I stepped out of my SQ aircraft.

*GACK!* *COUGH!* *WHEEZE!* *GACK!*

By my mom's delicious fried tofu! What in blue blazes is this soot-laden air? Did I unknowingly walk into the airstream of an engine's exhaust?

It was only then I realized that it was not my inattentiveness that was the cause of my respiratory plight, but instead the pollutive contributions of the 12 million people of Guangzhou that made me gasp for clean air.

Maybe that was a bad idea, as I doubled over coughing my lungs out again.

Damn it. You hear about the stuff on the news and you don't really care two hoots about it, 'coz you're not there feeling it.

I'm here now, and the experience is viscerally painful.

I'm in the lands of my ancestors (only two generations removed) and I can't even breathe properly. I'm pathetic.

Somehow, I managed to catch my breath. The trick to it is not to suck air in through your mouth like some goldfish. Just clamp it shut, and breathe forcibly through your nostrils.

Ooooh yes, you betcha that you gonna have some really nasty snot later, but hey, that sure beats suffocation, doncha think?

So I staggered through the airport to get myself security screened. At first, I didn't know where to go, my command of the Mandarin language isn't that fantastic but this sign sure helped to point me in the right direction.

Then I spent fifteen minutes standing in line, and tried not to cough too much nor too suspiciously.

Getting past that, I finally entered 广州白云国际机场, or Guangzhou Baiyun International Airport for you guys who couldn't shake a stick at Mandarin characters and get away with it. Just like me.

Taking way too many wrong turns in this place, I wondered more than once, "Damn. It's big, this place is. Now I got to walk back. Walau eh."

Passing by the main entrance, I just took a step out and see what Guangzhou was like.

Not very impressive. But hey, I would say the same thing if all I saw of Singapore was just standing outside of the main entrance of Changi Airport.

Back in I go, to the long wait of my 3 hour layover...

... ... ...

...and before I knew it, I was in Xi An! Oh hurray! A mere twelve hours of traveling!

That's why I'll just have to leave this till later.

I checked in, and I still can't get over the fact that I had to pay for four days even though I'm only going to stay three. Ah, the vagaries of Chinese hospitality.

As dusty as I was, as irritated as I was with the polluted air, I did stop and listen to the wistful music that drifted softly to my ears.

Music doth soothe the savage coughing beast.

Several coughs later, I managed to drag myself upstairs and to my resting place during my time in Xi'an, China.

My room was nice enough...

But, yes, let me taste the air again. Mmm. Oh yes, even in my hotel room, this little bastion of temporary privacy and security, did the smoky air follow. Is there no escape from the pollution?!

*sighs*

After I showered, I felt the polluted air most keenly. You know you are clean, because you just scrubbed and rinsed yourself, but then you feel this gritty film five seconds right after you towel off. I stepped out of my steaming bathroom and rubbed my fingers together, I felt the dust. It's everywhere, and it clings onto your body, following you wherever you go. Wherever you lay down.

Damn it, I'm tired of this wretched air. So tired.

But not so tired, that I can't give you a tour around my hotel room.

After that, I laid down on my dusty bed and switched on the telly. It's interesting to me that out of the 62 channels available, 58 of them are from all the Chinese television stations around the country. Fifty-eight different stations! The mind boggles. The remaining 4 channels are the Hotel's own channel, CNN, Channel News Asia (!), and the most amazing of all, NHK!

They sure must get a lot of Japanese tourists here. No prizes for guessing which channel I watched till I nodded off to sleep...

Our Dream Home - Come On In!

2008-03-16T11:05:00.003+08:00

A fair number of my friends and well-wishers have been dropping me private mail regarding about my lack of updates.

Well, let me show you my new home and maybe you'll understand why I simply don't have the time to sit in my room, in front of my PC and blog away...

That's because we love chilling on our patio,

Just to give you how expansive it is,

You guys know how much I like stretching my legs,

and there's no place better than to do it in a warm swirling jacuzzi.

Which we have, by the way,

Just to walk you guys through,

There are four jacuzzi in total, more than enough for us and our friends,

When you are submerged into the delicious jacuzzi, here's what you see,

Giving you guys a tour of the Jacuzzi area,

Yumi really loves her Rain Massager,

Here's the Rain Massager up close,

Words can't describe how wondrous it feels when you're enclosed within the Rain Massager, here's how the view is like,

Now come, we have to show you our Olympic length pool!

What perfect weather to be lounging by the pool!

Which prompted me to jump staight in and do a couple of laps,

ok, half a lap, because at the midway stretch you get this magnificent view,

And if you look up...

Invigorated, I finish my lap at the opposite end,

And this is the glorious lady I'm sharing my home, my life with!

Welcome to our home!

Everytime We Touch!

2008-03-16T00:11:00.002+08:00

Want to know a little bit of how my life is like?

Well, I'm on an amazing journey these days, and the following video not only showcases some of the crazy nights I regularly attend, but it bespeaks of what resounds in my life now!

LISTEN TO IT FULL BLAST!

COZ THAT'S WHAT MY LIFE IS!

LIVIN' IT LOUD, LIVIN' IT UP!

Everytime We Touch! & Baby When The Lights
by David Guetta

I feel it! So alive!
Everything that feels so right!
And I feel it! So alive!
Everything that feels so right (Yeah Yeah!)

Everytime, everytime
Everytime we touch, I feel it!
I feel it!

Everytime we touch
Emotions that I can't contain
Are sweeping over me again
Everytime we touch
Sensations I can not explain
Are washing all away my pain
Everytime we touch
A magic spring from deep inside
Comes into me like a breath of light
Everytime we touch
Something takes a hold of me
Everytime we touch!

Everytime we touch
Heaven and Earth collide!
Everything feels so right
Everytime we touch
This feeling takes over me
Something takes over me

Everytime we touch (Yeah!)
Heaven and Earth collide
Everything feels so right
Everytime we touch!

Everytime we touch!

In spite of all the consequence
In spite of all my pride
In spite of little things you said
That hurt me deep inside

I believe your love
I breathe your love
Like the air in the morning
I sleep your love
I salute your love
And I can't get away

Baby when the lights go out
I hear you calling (I hear you calling)
Baby when the lights go out
I need you

Baby when the lights go out
I hear you calling (I hear you calling)
Baby when the lights go out
I need you!

What We're Really Thinking

2008-03-14T23:49:00.003+08:00

From left:
Darren - "Jay has had too much to drink, I think."

Kevin - "Thank goodness I'm having my wedding in Kyoto."

Jay - "Oh yeah, I'm going to get some action tonight!"
Chris - "I don't think I'll ever be ready for marriage."

Hawk - "What a bunch of losers."

Esmee - "Oh, he's SO not getting any tonight. If ever."

Jay and Esmee, congratulations on your ROM today!

I wish you every possible happiness and unimaginable success in your fruitful lives!

Mahna Mahna

2008-03-12T23:32:00.001+08:00

This brought tears to my eyes.

A classic will always remain a classic.

When The Urge Hits You

2008-03-11T17:49:00.001+08:00

The only factors that limit the locations at which people have sex
is imagination and levels of law enforcement.

A Superstitious Cure

2008-03-06T17:45:00.002+08:00

According to an ancient superstition, performing sex on a girl is the only way to cure her of virginity, a disease usually caused by birth.

However, sex can also transmit diseases far worse, including pregnancy and marriage, and in extreme circumstances, children.

She's Fucking Matt Damon

2008-03-02T23:53:00.003+08:00

I'll be absolutely honest. I was first attracted to watch Sarah Silverman because she had impressive ba-dang-dangs and she breathed heavily in the direction of the camera.

And when I saw this... I just had to put it here.

I'll put down the lyrics once I have the time. I am so busy this entire year! *smiles*

My Winged Unicorn Ring!

2008-02-13T13:11:00.003+08:00

Woohoo! It's the 7th day of the Lunar New Year, 2008! Which is 人日, and every Chinese knows that today is the Everyman's Birthday!

And what a wonderful birthday present I got today! All the efforts over the months of making my own ring have realized itself and this now adorns my finger!

The Winged Unicorn design came originally from this old sketch, which I have had for several years, and many of you have seen it as I've always used it for my crest.

I had always loved the metal titanium. It a pure elemental metal that is light, strong, lustrous, corrosion-resistant to both sea water and chlorine. A enduring metal, it's symbolic for all things eternal. There is no better metal that I would have liked for my very own ring.

I had my Winged Unicorn motif carved into my Titanium and anodized it's outline in gold, with the eye anodized in blue. The Aurizina pattern was also anodized in blue to provide contrast with the gold outlines and the shimmering silvery-gray of the titanium.

You'll realise the Aurizina pattern also circles around my ring.

Kudos to the amazing guys at Titanium Era! They have been incredibly helpful and informative on the fabrication of my ring! The level of detail they could etch my Winged Unicorn motif on my titanium ring is nothing short of miraculous! It's an amazing work of art!

Heartfelt thanks also goes to Darren, who took these incredible photos in less than optimum conditions!

I love this unique ring of mine!

Chiki Chiki - Seryoga

2008-01-29T20:52:00.001+08:00

Fast forward ten years later,

Gotta balance things up with an overdose of testosterone.

Enter the Russian Eminem - SERYOGA!

Don't you wanna just go CHIKI CHIKI now?

ALL TOGETHER NOW!

CHIKI CHIKI!

I Will Survive - Cake

2008-01-28T20:44:00.000+08:00

No, this isn't a dieting blogpost.

It's about introducing to you the sweet sounds of good bass music.

You gotta pardon the video. It was done 10 years ago, and back then, the men in the music industry were releasing their feminine side.

But hey, it's a great cover. Enjoy the song!

Assassin's Creed - Memory Block

2008-01-27T22:33:00.000+08:00

Remember a few months back, I told you about this incredibly slick game on Xbox 360?

In all that is holy, enjoy the whole fantastic game right here!

Mysterious voice: I applied my heart to no wisdom, and to no madness and folly. I perceived that this also was a chasing at the wind. For in much wisdom, is much grief. And he that increaseth knowledge - increaseth sorrow.

Female voice: We got a problem! ...I can't anchor him to the memory. Too much psychological trauma, he's rejecting the treatment! Retreating...

Male voice: Desmond, I need you to try and relax.

Female voice: Let me try to stabilize him.

Male voice: Focus. Listen to the sound of my voice. Recognize that what you're seeing isn't real. Just a picture of the past. It can't hurt you.

Female voice: Damn it! It's not working!

Male voice: Give it a moment, Ms. Stillman. He'll adjust. The first time is never easy.

Ms. Stillman: We're losing him!

Male voice: That's enough, Ms. Stillman!

Ms. Stillman: We need to pull him out! Now!

Male voice: Alright, Desmond. We're going to try to pull you out now.

...digital shutdown...

Ms. Stillman: You okay?

Desmond: *GASPS*

Doctor: I told you that he'll be fine.

Desmond: You BASTARDS!

Doctor: Now, now. I just saved your life.

Desmond: Saved my life? You kidnapped me! You strapped me into that... THING!

Doctor: Animus. It's an Animus.

Desmond: I don't even know you people! Why are you doing this to me?

Doctor: You have information that we need, Mr. Miles.

Desmond Miles: Information? I'm a bartender, for crissakes! What do you want me to do? Teach you how to mix a martini?

Doctor: We know who you are. What you are.

Desmond Miles: I... I don't know what you're talking about.

Doctor: Don't play coy with me. There isn't time. You're an assassin and whether you realised it or not, you got something that my employers want. Locked away in that head of yours.

Desmond Miles: But I'm not an assassin. Not anymore.

Doctor: Yes, your file indicated as much. Something about... an escape. Most fortunate for us.

Desmond Miles: What do you want from me?

Doctor: For you to do as you're told. The Animus will allow us to locate what we need. Once we've had it, you'll be free to go.

Desmond Miles: I'm not going to go back in there.

Doctor: Then we'll induce a coma, and continue our work. When we're done, you'll be left to die. Truth be told, the reason that you're still conscious, is because this approach saves us time.

Desmond Miles: You're insane!

Doctor: So what is it, Mr. Miles? Live or die? Lie down!

Desmond grudgingly concedes and lies down.

Doctor: A wise decision.

Desmond Miles: Woah. Where am I?

Doctor: You're inside the Animus.

Desmond Miles: Which is...

Doctor: It's a projector that renders genetic memories in three dimensions.

Desmond Miles: Genetic memory?

Doctor: Seems you need a bit of a tutorial. *sighs* Very well. We'll start simple. What is a memory, Mr. Miles?

Desmond Miles: It's the... recollection of a past event.

Doctor: Specific to the individual remembering the event?

Desmond Miles: Yeah, sure.

Doctor: But what if I told you the human body not only house an individual's memories, but the memories of his ancestors as well? Genetic memory, if you will. Migration, hibernation, reproduction! How do animals know when and where to go, what to do?

Desmond Miles: That's just animal instinct.

Doctor: Now you're just arguing sematics, Mr. Miles. Whatever you call it, the fact remains, these creatures hold knowledge absent of requisite first hand experience! I've spent the last thirty years trying to understand why. I've discovered something most fascinating. Our DNA functions as an archive, it contains not only genetic instructions passed down from previous generations, but memories as well. The memories of our ancestors.

Desmond Miles: And the Animus lets you decode and read these DNA files.

Doctor: Precisely.

Ms. Stillman: But there's a problem. This is the specific memory that we're trying to access. Unfortunately when we try to open the memory, your mind withdraws. You lack the confidence to step into your ancestor's body. That's what happened earlier. You got knocked out of a target memory and pushed back to a more stable state.

Desmond Miles: Why?

Ms. Stillman: It's your subconscious. It's resisting. We've found similar reactions amongst patients who undergo hypnosis to relive traumatic events. They can't jump directly into a specific memory. They need to be eased in, even then there could be problems.

Desmond Miles: So how do we fix it?

Ms. Stillman: We find the memory you can synchronize with, and we'll move forward from there. You'll get used to it. This is the closest we can get. So it's where we'll have to start. I'm uploading the tutorial program now.

...consciousness submerges into the Animus...

Animus: Now that you're fully synced, a new ability is available to you. Referred to as 'eagle vision', this sixth sense helped your ancestor understand the intentions of people around him... Well done!

...fades out and in...

Anxious voice: Wait! There must be another way! This one need not die.

*sounds of running ending with a stabbing and muffled groans*

Another voice: An excellent kill! Fortune favours your blade.

Confident voice: Not fortune. Skill. Watch a while longer and you might learn something.

Anxious voice: Indeed. He will teach you how to disregard everything the Master taught us.

Confident voice: Then how would you have done it?

Anxious voice: I would not have drawn attention to us. I would not have taken a life of an innocent. What I would have done is follow the Creed.

Confident voice: Nothing is true. Everything is permitted. Understand these words. It matters not how we complete our task, only that it's done.

Anxious voice: But this is not the way-

Confident voice: My way is better.

Anxious voice: I will scout ahead. Try not to dishonour us further.

Another voice: What is our mission? My brother would say nothing to me. Only that I should be honoured to have been invited.

Confident voice: The Master believes that the Templars have found something beneath the Temple Mount.

Another voice: Treasure?

Confident voice: I do not know. All that matters is that the Master considers it important. Else he would not have asked me to retrieve it.

Anxious voice: There! That must be the Ark.

Another voice: The Ark? Of the Covenant?

Confident voice: Don't be silly. There's no such thing. It's just a story.

Another voice: Then what is it?

Anxious voice: Quiet! Someone's coming.

French voice: I want this through this gate before sunrise! The sooner we possess it, the sooner we can turn our attention to those jackals at Masyaf!

Confident voice: Robert de Sablé! His life is mine!

Anxious voice: No! We were asked to retrieve the treasure and deal with Robert only if necessary.

Confident voice: He stands between us and it! I'd say that it's necessary.

Anxious voice: Disgression, Altaïr!

Altaïr: You mean cowardice. That man is our greatest enemy, and here is our chance to be rid of him.

Anxious voice: You have already broken two tenets of our Creed. Now you will break a third. Do not compromise the Brotherhood!

Altaïr: I am your superior! In both title and ability! You should know better than to question me!

...fades out and in...

Altaïr: Hold Templars! You are not the only ones who have business here.

Robert de Sablé: Ah! Well, this explains my missing man, and what is it that you want?

Altaïr: Blood.

*A struggle ensues which Altaïr loses and is caught by Robert de Sablé*

Robert de Sablé: You not know the things of which you meddle, assassin. I spare you only that you may return to your Master and deliver a message. The Holy Land is lost to him and his. He should flee now while he has the chance. Stay and all of you will die.

*Altaïr is flung back and crashes on a table*

Robert de Sablé: MEN! TO ARMS! KILL THE ASSASSINS!

Animus: Skipping part of memory to a more recent one...

Assassin's Creed - Arrogance

2008-01-26T22:38:00.000+08:00

Boisterous voice: Altaïr, you've returned!

Altaïr: Rauf.

Rauf: It is good to see you unharmed. I trust your mission was a success?

Altaïr: Is the Master in his tower?

Rauf: Yes, yes. Buried in his books, as always. No doubt he expects you.

Altaïr: My thanks, Brother.

Rauf: Safety and peace, Altaïr!

Altaïr: On you as well.

*Altaïr continues on his way*

Guard: Ah, he returns at last. Avast, where are the others? Did you ride ahead hoping to be the first one back? I know you are loathe to share the glory... Silence is just another form of assent.

Altaïr: Have you nothing better to do?

Guard: I bring word of the Master. He waits for you in the library. Best hurry, no doubt you are eager to put your tongue to his boot.

Altaïr: Another word and I'll put my blade to your throat.

Guard: There'll be plenty time for that later. Brother.

*Altaïr runs past the guard*

Master: Altaïr.

Altaïr: Master.

Master: Come forward. Tell me of your mission. I trust you have recovered the Templar's treasure.

Altaïr: There was some trouble, Master. Robert de Sablé was not alone.

Master: Where does our work ever go as expected? It's our ability to adapt that makes us who we are.

Altaïr: This time it was not enough.

Master: What do you mean?

Altaïr: I have failed you.

Master: The treasure?

Altaïr: Lost to us.

Master: And Robert?

Altaïr: Escaped.

Master: I send you, my best man, to complete a mission more important than any that has come before, and you return to me with nothing but apologies and excuses!

Altaïr: I did-

Master: Do not speak! Not another word! This is not what I have expected. We need to mount another force.

Altaïr: I swear to you, I'll find him. I'll go in-

Master: No! You'll do nothing! You've done enough! Where are Malik and Kadar?

Altaïr: Dead.

Angry voice: No! Not dead.

Master: Malik!

Malik: I still live at least!

Master: And your brother?

Malik: Gone. Because of you!

Altaïr: Robert threw me from the roof! There was no way back. Nothing I could do.

Malik: Because you would not heed my warning! All of this could have been avoided! And my brother... My brother would have still been alive! Your arrogance nearly caused us victory today.

Master: Nearly?

Malik: I brought what your favourite failed to find. Here. Take it. Though it seems that I returned with more than just the treasure.

Apprentice: Master! We are under attack! Robert de Sablé has seiged one of Masyaf's village!

Master: So he seeks a battle? Very well. I will not deny him. Go! Inform the others. The fortress must be prepared. As for you, Altaïr, our discussion will have to wait. You must make for the village. Destroy these invaders. Drive them from our home!

Altaïr: It will be done.

*fades out*

Animus: Fast forwarding memory to a more recent one...

*fades in*

Defender: Altaïr! It's good you've come. We need your help!

Altaïr: What's happened?

Defender: Templars. They've attacked the village. Most of our people managed to get away. Most but not all.

Altaïr: What do you need me to do?

Defender: Distract the templars. Keep them occupied while I rescue those still trapped inside.

Altaïr: As you wish.

*Altaïr rushed in*

Shouting: Break off the attack and return to Masyaf! I'll go command the rest-

*fades out*

Animus: Fast forwarding memory to a more recent one...

*fades in*

*Altaïr strides through the courtyard*

Distant voice: Altaïr come! Al Mualim is not done with us yet.

Altaïr: Where are we going?

Distant voice: Up there. We have a surprise planned for our guests. Just do as I do. It will become clear soon enough.

*Altaïr climbs up to the topmost tower floor*

Brother: Stand on that platform, Altaïr.

*Altaïr takes his places on an empty platform and looks down*

Robert de Sablé: HERETIC! Return what you have stolen from me!

Master Al Mualim: You have no claim to it, Robert! Take yourself from here before I am forced to thin your ranks further!

Robert de Sablé: You play a dangerous game!

Master Al Mualim: I assure you. This is no game.

Robert de Sablé: So be it! Bring forth the hostage!

*Kadar is dragged forward and stabbed through by a templar*

Robert de Sablé: Your village lays in ruins and your stores are hardly endless! How long before your fortress crumbles from within? How disciplined will your men remain when your wells run dry, and your food is gone?

Master Al Mualim: My men do not fear death, Robert. They welcome it! And the rewards it brings!

Robert de Sablé: Good! Then they shall have it all around.

Brother: Follow me and do so without hesitation.

Master Al Mualim: Show these fool knights what is it to have no fear! Go to God!

*Altaïr and his brothers take the leap of faith*

Apprentice: Aiyaaah! Oh my leg! Aaargh! Oh my leg!

Brother: Quiet! Or the templars will hear us.

*Muffled moans escape from the apprentice as the brother wrenches his leg straight*

Brother: Go and release it. Rain death upon our enemies!

*Altaïr cuts through the support and drops huge logs, crushing and scattering the templars*

Robert de Sablé: Fall back, men! Fall back!

*fades out*

Animus: Fast forwarding memory to a more recent one...

*fades in*

Master Al Mualim: You did well to drive Robert from here. His forces broken, it shall be a long while before he troubles us again. Tell me. Do you know why is it that you are successful?

*Altaïr stays silent*

Master Al Mualim: You listened! Were that you listened out in Solomon's Temple, Altaïr! All of these would have been avoided.

Altaïr: I did as I was asked!

Master Al Mualim: No! You did as you pleased! Malik has told me of the arrogance you displayed, your disregard for our ways!

*Guards seizes Altaïr's arms, holding him firm*

Altaïr: What are you doing?!

Master Al Mualim: There are rules, we are nothing if we do not abide by the Hashshashin's Creed! Three simple tenets, which you seemed to forget. I will remind you. First and foremost. 'Stay your blade-'

Altaïr: From the flesh of an innocent. I know-

*Master Al Mualim backhands Altaïr on his face. Hard.*

Master Al Mualim: And stay your tongue! Unless I give you leave to use it. If you are so familiar with this tenet, then why did you kill the old man inside the temple? He was innocent! He did not need to die. Your insolence knows no bounds. Make humble your heart, child, or I swear I will tear it from you with my own hands! The second tenet is that which gives us strength, 'Hide in plain sight'. Let the people mask you such that you become one with the crowd. Do you remember? Cause as I hear it, you chose to expose yourself! Drawing attention before you struck! The third and final tenet... the worst of all your betrayals. 'Never compromise the Brotherhood'...

Assassin's Creed - Flawed Philosophy

2008-01-25T10:57:00.000+08:00

Master Al Mualim: The third and final tenet... the worst of all your betrayals. 'Never compromise the Brotherhood', it's meaning should be obvious. Your actions must never bring harm upon us! Direct or indirect! Yet your selfish acts beneath Jerusalem placed us all in danger! Worse still! You brought the enemy to our home! Every man we lost today was lost because of YOU!

*Al Mualim turns away from Altaïr*

Master Al Mualim: I am sorry. Truly, I am. But I cannot abide a traitor.

Altaïr: I am not a traitor.

Master Al Mualim: Your actions indicate otherwise, and so you leave me no choice. Peace be upon you, Altaïr.

*Al Mualim stabs Altaïr in the gut... and Desmond is thrust back to reality, staring at the flashing interior of the Animus*

Doctor: He's experiencing an adoption rate far better than the other subjects!

Ms. Stillman: I'm still pulling him out. He's been in there for way too long.

Doctor: No! Not yet! We're still so far from where we need to be!

Ms. Stillman: We shouldn't risk it.

Doctor: What's another hour or two?

Ms. Stillman: Why don't we discuss this in the conference room? Give Desmond a minute to stretch his legs.

Doctor: I really don't see a need.

Ms. Stillman: Warren! Please!

Doctor Warren: Fine!

*Both strides out and leaves Desmond to convalesce. He rises with an aching head, but proceeds to explore his immediate surroundings. Hearing faint voices in the lavatory, he climbs up closer to the ventilation grill and eavesdrop*

Doctor Warren: ...I don't appreciate you questioning my authority in front of the prisoner. There's a word for that, I believe it's called 'insubordination'.

Ms. Stillman: And I don't appreciate you trying to kill him. There's a word for that too. I think it's called 'stupid'!

Doctor Warren: Lucy! This isn't my decision. I don't set the deadlines. But I'm smart enough not to challenge them. Do you want to wind up like Linda?

Lucy Stillman: I know that the accident has everyone on edge-

Doctor Warren: Which is why this is no time to coddle him!

Lucy Stillman: If you push him too hard, he'll shut down. And then we'll have nothing.

Doctor Warren: We have nothing now!

Lucy Stillman: But we will. You just need to have a little faith.

Doctor Warren: Fine! But I want you to think of ways to improve his staying power. We can't afford to stop everytime the man breaks a sweat. It's bad enough he has to trace through all these useless memories.

Lucy Stillman: I'll do what I can.

*Sensing that the conversation is at an end, Desmond leaps down away from the grill and proceeds calmly back into the main room*

Doctor Warren: We're done for today, Mr. Miles. I suggest that you return to your room and get some rest.

*With no other option left to him, Desmond goes to his room. The door slides shut behind him.*

Desmond Miles: Damn it, they locked the door.

*Exploring his room, Desmond receives another surprise.*

Desmond Miles: Man, I can't even change my clothes!

*Feeling tired, Desmond lays on his bed and sleeps. His dreams are filled with flashing red words, 'containing thousands-', 'within each of them lies-', 'parable truth'. The following morning...*

Desmond Miles: Aaggh... Gotta say that's a little creepy, Doc. Waking up to you standing over me. Have you been watching me sleep?

Doctor Warren: We're always watching you. Now get up. We've got a lot of work to do.

Desmond Miles: Ooh. Wonder who I get to kill today.

Doctor Warren: Don't be so cavalier! Your ancestors almost had the right idea, Mr. Miles. If the deaths of a few people, evil people, no less, could save the lives of thousands more, well, it seems a small sacrifice.

Desmond Miles: What do you mean almost?

Doctor Warren: They didn't go far enough! To use a rather tired analogy, corruption is no different than cancer. Cut out the tumours but fail to treat the source and- well, you're buying time at best. There is no true change to be had without comprehensive, systemic intervention.

Desmond Miles: Chemo for the masses.

Doctor Warren: Education. RE-education, to be more precise. But it's not easy, and it doesn't always take.

Desmond Miles: Let me guess. You've got a better solution. What is it then?

Doctor Warren: Now that would be telling.

*Doctor Warren exits the room and Desmond follows him. Seeing that Lucy is already prepping the Animus, Desmond climbs onto the machine and lies down for another session. The Animus starts and Desmond is thrust back into his genetic memories.*

Altaïr: I am... alive. But I saw you stab me. Felt death's embrace.

Master Al Mualim: You saw what I wanted you to see. And then you slept the sleep of the dead, of the womb. That you might awake. Reborn.

Altaïr: To what end?

Master Al Mualim: Do you remember, Altaïr, what is it that the assassins fight for?

Altaïr: Peace. In all things.

Master Al Mualim: Yes. In all things. It is not enough to end the violence one man commits on another. It refers to peace within as well. You could not have one without the other.

Altaïr: So it is said.

Master Al Mualim: SO IT IS! But you, my son, have not found inner peace! It manifest in ugly ways. You are arrogant and over-confident.

Altaïr: Were you not the one to said, 'Nothing is true. Everything is permitted'?

Master Al Mualim: You do not understand the true meaning of the phrase, my child. It does not grant you the freedom to do as you wish. It is a knowledge meant to guide your senses, it expects a wisdom you clearly lack.

Altaïr: Then what is to become of me?

Master Al Mualim: I should kill you for the pain you have brought upon us. Malik thinks it's only fair. Your life in exchange for his brother's. But this would be a waste of my time and your talents. You see that you have been stripped of your possessions. Your rank, as well. You are a novice. A child, once more. As you were when you first joined our Order. I am offering you a chance at redemption. You'll earn your way back into the Brotherhood.

Altaïr: I've assumed that you've something planned.

Master Al Mualim: First you must prove to me you remember how to be an assassin.

Altaïr: So you'll have me take a life.

Master Al Mualim: No. Not yet at least. For now you are to become a student once again.

Altaïr: There is no need for this!

Master Al Mualim: Other tracked your targets for you. But no more. From today on, you'll track them yourself.

Altaïr: If this is what you wish.

Master Al Mualim: It is.

Altaïr: Then tell me what it is that I must do.

Master Al Mualim: We have been betrayed. Someone was assisting Robert de Sablé. One of our own. You must find him and bring him here for questioning.

Altaïr: What can you tell me of the traitor?

Master Al Mualim: Ah. But that's just it. I've given you all I will. The rest is up to you.

*Altaïr spends time immersed in the populance, while sitting at the courtyard, he finally eavesdrop on a particularly interesting conversation.*

Disgruntled voice: I know what I saw. Mashoon opened the gate, and then he let the templars in.

Other voice: Then you must tell Al Mualim.

Disgruntled voice: I can't! Mashoon did not act alone. Someone inside the fortress helped him.

Other voice: What makes you say this?

Disgruntled voice: He exchanges letters with someone inside. The basket weaver carries them for him.

Other voice: That's no reason to stay silent!

Disgruntled voice: Aah! But the weaver delivered him a letter just before the attack. I suspect it held the order to open the gate.

Other voice: Then speak to the weaver. He can name Mashoon's accomplice.

Disgruntled voice: He's disappeared! Hiding for fear of being dragged into this.

Other voice: Heh. Probably inside one of his own baskets.

*Satisfied, Altaïr goes in search of the basket weaver*

Assassin's Creed - Interrogation

2008-01-24T15:34:00.000+08:00

Plaintive Woman: Please! Just one! We lost everything in the attack, and has no place to store our grain!

Basket Weaver: I... I can't right now. I'm busy.

Plaintive Woman: Is this about the letter?

Basket Weaver: What letter?

Plaintive Woman: The letter you received when I got here. Bad news?

Basket Weaver: I don't know what you're talking about. Listen, I'll see what I can do, but please I need to be alone now. Come back later.

Plaintive Woman: As you wish.

*Altaïr silently follows the basket weaver and pickpockets the letter away from him*

Mashoon: Hear the things you said! A traitor? I'm not a traitor! It's Al Mualim who's betrayed us! You'll see! Soon, all your eyes will be opened to the truth. We stand upon the threshold between this world and the new one! A better place where all might live as equals! But men like Al Mualim would see this dream destroyed. Today's attack was but the first, and more will follow unless you repent! Give up your wicked ways, rise up against the mad man of Masyaf! See through his lies!

*Altaïr calmly stalks the man after he finishes his protest. Altaïr corners him in a dark alley, and proceeds to punch him into submission.*

Mashoon: Enough! I yield! I yield!

Altaïr: Speak quickly then! I have no interest in your games. Why did you betray us? And who do you serve?

Mashoon: We serve the Templars, you should too! Their cause is just!

Altaïr: We?

Mashoon: Jamal. He told me of their plans. Asked me to open the gates.

Altaïr: You betrayed us. We, who called you 'brother' and kept you safe from harm.

Mashoon: I did what I believed was right. And if you must kill me for it. So be it. I am not afraid to die.

Altaïr: Your fate is not for me to decide. It is Al Mualim who will judge.

*fades out*

Animus: Fast forwarding memory to a more recent one.

*fades in*

Master Al Mualim: You stand accused of betraying our Brotherhood, and opening the way for our enemies. How do you answer to these charges?

Mashoon: I deny nothing! I'm proud of what I did! My only regret is that they failed.

Master Al Mualim: I offer you a chance to repent. To renounce the evil in your heart.

Mashoon: It is not evil in my heart, but Truth! I will not repent!

Master Al Mualim: Then you will die.

*Al Mualim stabs down at Mashoon with the sword he was holding*

Master Al Mualim: You did well, Altaïr, and have earned the right to carry a blade once more.

Altaïr: What will become of the one who helped him?

Master Al Mualim: That remains to be seen. Some do ill out of ignorance or fear. These men can be saved. Others suffer from corrupted whims, their minds poisoned and twisted. These men must be destroyed. Soon enough, we will know what sort of man, Jamal, is.

Altaïr: I've passed your test then. What now?

Master Al Mualim: Oh my child, we've only just begun. I hold here a list. Nine names adorn it. Nine men who need to die. They are plague bringers, war makers, their power and influence corrupts the land and ensures the Crusades continue. You will find them. Kill them. In doing so, you'll sow the seeds of peace. Both for the region, and for yourself. In this way, you might be redeemed.

Altaïr: Nine lives in exchange for mine.

Master Al Mualim: A most generous offer, I think. Have you any questions?

Altaïr: Only where I need begin.

Master Al Mualim: Very well. Ride for Dimashq. Seek out the black market merchant named Tamir. Let him be the first to fall. Be sure to visit the city's Assassin's Bureau when you arrive. I'll dispatch a bird to inform the Rafiq of your arrival. Speak with him. You will find that he has much to offer.

Altaïr: If you believe it best.

Master Al Mualim: I do. Besides, you cannot begin your mission without his consent.

Altaïr: What nonsense is this? I do not need his permission. It's a waste of time.

Master Al Mualim: It's the price you pay for the mistakes you made. You'll answer not only to me but to all the Brotherhood as well now.

Altaïr: So be it.

Master Al Mualim: Take your equipment and go. Prove that you are not yet lost to us.

*Fades in with Altaïr already in Dimashq and roughing up a storyteller*

Altaïr: You seem to know quite a bit about Tamir. Tell me what he's planning.

Storyteller: I know only the stories I tell. Nothing more.

Altaïr: A pity. There is no reason to let you live, if you have nothing to offer in return.

Storyteller: Wait. Wait! There is one thing.

Altaïr: Continue.

Storyteller: He is preoccupied as of late. He oversees the production of many, many weapons.

Altaïr: What of it? They are meant for Salah al-Dīn. This does not help me. Which means this does not help you.

Storyteller: No. Stop! Listen! Not Salah al-Dīn! For someone else! The crests these arms bear. They're different! Unfamiliar! It seems Tamir supports another, but I know not who.

Altaïr: Is that all?

Storyteller: Yes! Yes! I've told you everything I know!

Altaïr: Then it is time for you to rest.

*Altaïr impales the storyteller*

Blacksmith: I see no solution! The men work day and night, but your 'client' requires so much! And the destination. It is a difficult route!

Tamir: Were that you could produce weapons with the same skill as you produce excuses!

Blacksmith: I've done all I can.

Tamir: It is not enough.

Blacksmith: Then perhaps you ask too much.

Tamir: Too much? I've gave you everything! Without it, you'll be still charming serpents for coin. All I've asked in return was that you fill the orders I bring you, and you say I ask too much?

*Tamir spits on the blacksmith*

Tamir: You dare disrespect me?!

Blacksmith: Please, Tamir! I meant no insult.

Tamir: Then you should have kept your mouth shut!

*Tamir suddenly pulls out his knifes and slashes the blacksmith across his stomach. The blacksmith stumbles and cries out.*

Blacksmith: No! Stop!

Tamir: Stop? Hahah! I'm just getting started!

*Tamir cuts the blacksmith again and again, as the blacksmith cries out in pain and crumbles into the ground.*

Tamir: You came into my souq. Stood before my men. And dare to insult ME!

*Tamir stabs at the grievously injured blacksmith as he shouts*

Tamir: YOU! MUST! LEARN! YOUR! PLACE!

*On the final blow, the blacksmith dies and is flung over the courtyard pond. Tamir's men comes forward to remove the body but Tamir waves them aside.*

Tamir: No. Leave the body. Let this be a lesson to the rest of you. Think twice before you tell me something cannot be done. Now get back to work.

*The crowd disperses and Altaïr struggles to push through to reach Tamir.*

Tamir: Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic. Where did you learn your craft?

Assassin's Creed - Puzzle Pieces

2008-01-23T19:45:00.001+08:00

Tamir: Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic. Where did you learn your craft?

Background voices: 'I have what you need!', 'Come have a look! You won't be disappointed!'

*Altaïr calmly walks behind Tamir and branishes his weapon, drawing the attention of all the guards around them. Tamir manages to injure Altaïr and Altaïr flees, with Tamir giving chase behind him.*

*Altaïr waits upon the rooftop and as Tamir climbs up, Altaïr mortally injures Tamir*

Altaïr: Be at peace.

Tamir: You'll pay for this. You and all your kind.

Altaïr: It seems that you're the one who pays now, my friend. You will not profit from suffering any longer.

Tamir: You think me some petty death-dealer suckling at the breast of War? A strange target, don't you think? Why me, when so many others do the same?

Altaïr: You believe yourself different then?

Tamir: Oh, but I am! For I serve a far nobler cause than mere profit, just like my brothers.

Altaïr: Brothers?

Tamir: Ah, but he thinks I act alone. I am but a piece. A man with a part to play. You will come to know the others soon enough. They won't take kindly to what you've done.

Altaïr: Good. I look forward to ending their lives as well.

Tamir: Such pride. It will destroy you, child.

*Altaïr slits Tamir's throat and proceeds to hide quietly amongst the rooftops until the panic in the city dies down. He returns back to the Assassin's Bureau to receive his next mission.*

Rafiq: Word has brought me of your victory, Altaïr! You have my gratitude, and my respect!

Altaïr: Thank you.

Rafiq: It is a shame that the other assassins continue to hold you in such poor regard.

Altaïr: Rafiq! I do not care what the others think of me.

Rafiq: As you wish, Altaïr. We should bring news of your victory to Al Mualim. I'm certain that he has more work for you to do.

*fades out*

Animus: Fast forwarding memory...

*fades in*

Doctor Warren: Out of the machine, Mr. Miles.

Desmond Miles: What's the matter, Doc?

Doctor Warren: Ms. Stillman has been insisting that I let you rest.

*With that said, Doctor Warren abrubtly leaves the room. Desmon is bewildered from his time spent in the Animus and is left to his own devices. He spies Lucy Stillman sitting next to the Animus, working on her Tablet PC.*

Desmond Miles: So. You like to tell me who put the stick up his ass?

Lucy Stillman: We have a deadline. Well. 6 days now.

Desmond Miles: Deadline?

Lucy Stillman: I can't talk about it.

Desmond Miles: Man, put yourself in my shoes. I'm being held hostage by a group of scientists... at least, I think you're scientists! And forced to spend all day in some crazy assed machine. You won't tell me what you're looking for, or why you want it but I'm supposed to be thanking you for keeping me alive. This is so fucked!

*Lucy glares at Desmond due to his outburst.*

Desmond Miles: Sorry! But it is!

Lucy Stillman: What do you want me to do?

Desmond Miles: Hmm, let's see, I don't know, maybe give me some answers?

Lucy Stillman: I can't. And it's better this way. Safer.

Desmond Miles: Safer for who!?

Lucy Stillman: Both of us.

Desmond Miles: Hey. You know what? I've got a question I think you could actually answer.

Lucy Stillman: What's up?

Desmond Miles: Why is it that sometimes the guys in there, talk like they're from the future?

Lucy Stillman: The future?

Desmond Miles: Erm, I mean the present. Now. Today, whatever.

Lucy Stillman: You probably noticed that english has become the official language of the Holy Land.

Desmond Miles: Yeah... I was gonna say.

Lucy Stillman: The Animus is translating speech it deems is vital, into more modern english. So expect a few anachronisms. I could probably make it more authentic, but- you ever read Chaucer?

Desmond Miles: Who?

Lucy Stillman: Yeah. Definitely not for you.

Desmond Miles: Can you tell me more about Abstergo? Or what goes on here? Beyond the whole 'keeping me prisoner' thing.

Lucy Stillman: Abstergo is one of the largest pharmaceutical companies in the world. Their primary focus are anti-depressants. There some information in the computer over there.

Desmond Miles: But you already said that this isn't about testing a drug. So what's the deal?

Lucy Stillman: I don't like where this is going.

Desmond Miles: So it's safe to assume that the Animus is not part of their public face.

Lucy Stillman: What, you haven't seen the commercials?

Desmond Miles: Oh my God. She has a sense of humour.

Lucy Stillman: I'm sorry, Desmond. I have a lot of work to do. Like I said, if you want to know more about the company, take a look at the computer. The telecommunications stuff is particularly interesting.

*Disgruntled, Desmond gives checking out the computer a miss and returns back to his bedroom to sleep. Once again, his sleep is plagued by strange sights, this time the Lorenz attractor butterfly features prominently in his dream.*

*The next morning, Desmond is once again rudely awakened by Doctor Warren.*

Doctor Warren: Let's go, Mr. Miles. Time's wasting.

*Desmond climbs out of bed and walks into the main room. He notices something amiss.*

Desmond Miles: Where's Lucy?

Doctor Warren: Oh, don't worry. She'll be with us soon enough.

Desmond Miles: So why are you doing all this, Doc? What are you hoping to accomplish?

Doctor Warren: You turn the television on lately? Read the newspaper?

Desmond Miles: Never cared much for that stuff.

Doctor Warren: Then let me sum it up for you. The world's a mess. It's pathetic, really. You seen it firsthand yourself. A thousand years between you and your ancestors, and society remains just as barbaric. Just as stupid.

Desmond Miles: And your point is...?

Doctor Warren: Order, Mr. Miles. The world needs order. That is what we're working towards, and that is what you're helping us to achieve.

Desmond Miles: Heheheh, you're expecting me to believe that you're building a better tomorrow?

Doctor Warren: That's exactly what we're doing! The human race calls out for direction. They wanna know why they're here. What they're meant to do, well, we're going to tell them. And once they understand how to live their lives. Everything will be better.

Desmond Miles: Better how?

Doctor Warren: An end to all conflicts! Large and small. Isn't what you assassins strive for? Peace in all things?

Desmond Miles: I told you. I'm not an assassin.

Doctor Warren: Right. Right.

Desmond Miles: I still don't see how I fit into things.

Doctor Warren: In time, Mr. Miles. In time, you'll understand. Or you won't. I don't care either way. As long as you show us where it is.

Desmond Miles: Where what is?

Lucy Stillman: Sorry, I'm late.

Doctor Warren: Yes, you are.

*Seeing how he's not going to get any further answers, Desmond strides to the Animus, gets on and experiences the now familiar fading into his ancestral self.*

Assassin's Creed - To Be Cruel

2008-01-22T16:37:00.005+08:00

Master Al Mualim: You're done well, Altaïr, and I'm confident this is but your first of many successful missions.

Altaïr: Tamir spoke as if he knew you well. He implied that my work had a larger meaning.

Master Al Mualim: Significance comes not from a single act but the context within which it is performed. The consequences borne of it.

Altaïr: Then is there more I need to know?

Master Al Mualim: Altaïr, your greatest failure is borne from knowing too much. If I choose to withhold information, it is only to ensure that you do not make the same mistake a second time.

Altaïr: I see.

Master Al Mualim: No, you don't! And it will remain this way, until you've learnt your lesson. Still you have performed competently, and as such I'll restore a rank and return a piece of your equipment. Go now. Either to Acre or Jerusalem. There are many in both cities that require your attention. The Bureau leaders can tell you more on what needs to be done.

Rafiq: Ah! Altaïr. A little bird told me you will be paying a visit.

Altaïr: Al Mualim has ordered the execution of Garnier de Nablus, so here I am. What can you tell me about him?

Rafiq: He is the Grandmaster of the Knight Hospitaller, and surely keeps his quarters in that district. Beyond that I cannot say. I suggest you search the city. See what you can learn from the people.

Altaïr: Tell me where they gather, and I'll see what I can find.

Rafiq: The public gardens north of here, or what's left of them are as good a place as any to begin. There's an abandoned market northwest as well that merits watching. And Maria of St Joseph's Church remains a popular meeting place. These three locations should be sufficient for your needs.

Altaïr: I appreciate the information, Rafiq. It will be put to good use.

Rafiq: See that it is.

Altaïr leaves and goes to the marketplace to observe the crowd. Waiting patiently. Ever patiently. In time, he picks up an interesting conversation.

Knight Hospitaller: You heard about Elan?

Bearded Knight Hospitaller: The archer who guards the eastern wing?

Knight Hospitaller: Poor bastard's brother caught an arrow in the throat. Doubt he'll last the night.

Bearded Knight Hospitaller: How can he continue to work, knowing what's to come?

Knight Hospitaller: He visits his brother often. So I cover for him when I can.

Bearded Knight Hospitaller: You aren't there now.

Knight Hospitaller: No, I have family business of my own to attend to.

Bearded Knight Hospitaller: Then he best hope that the Doctor doesn't learn of his desertion.

Knight Hospitaller: He won't. Long as you stay silent.

Bearded Knight Hospitaller: Don't worry, your secret's safe with me.

Seems like to Altaïr that even the Knights Hospitaller is afraid of their Grandmaster. Wandering around the city, he chances upon an irate foreman.

Irate Foreman: I need this dealt with. Now! The ropes are eaten through with rot and must be replaced! If we wait any longer, we risk an accident!

Mason: I understand, but one of the houses I'm supposed to repair-

Irate Foreman: Nevermind the citizens! What do they do anyway but cry and complain? It's the Knights who sacrifice so that the rest of us might live in peace!

Mason: But they have nowhere to go! And the rains will come soon.

Irate Foreman: I won't warn you again, boy! Do as you're told or you'll find yourself in irons!

Mason: Yes, Sir!

Irate Foreman: First sensible out of your mouth! You got the plans now, get to work!

Delighted as such a fortunate happenstance, Altaïr was too eager to relieve the mason of the floorplans of the Knight Hospitaller's castle. He brushes too closely to the mason-

Mason: Leave me alone, for Crissakes!

*Chastised, Altaïr bides his time and quietly follows the mason. As he reaches close enough, Altaïr pickpockets the floorplans and walks away. Altaïr concocts his strategy and returns back to the Assassin's Bureau.*

Rafiq: Altaïr, how fares your search for Garnier?

Altaïr: I know when and how to strike.

Rafiq: Share your knowledge with me then.

Altaïr: He lives and works within the Order's hospital northwest of here. Rumours speak of atrocities committed within its walls. It seems the good Doctor enjoys experimenting on innocent citizens, most of them kidnapped and brought here from Jerusalem.

Rafiq: Clever! By stealing his subjects from another city. He avoids arousing too much suspicion here... But back to the matter at hand. What is your plan?

Altaïr: Garnier keeps mainly to his quarters inside the hospital, though he leaves occasionally to inspects his patients. It's when he makes his rounds that I will strike.

Rafiq: It's clear that you have given this some thought. I give you leave to go.

The Rafiq passes the token to Altaïr, who accepts and pockets it

Rafiq: Remove the stain from Acre, Altaïr. Perhaps it will remove your own. Rest here until you are ready to go.

*fades out*

Animus: Fast forwarding memory...

*fades in with Altaïr climbing down in the courtyard of the Knights Hospitaller's hospital. Altaïr drops quietly amidst a crowd of sad, deranged individuals who all have blank looks on their faces. A scream shatters the dull silence.*

Patient: No! Help! HELP ME!

*Altaïr spots a half-naked man who runs frantically into the courtyard.*

Patient: Help me! Please! You must help me!

*The escaping patient is quickly caught and restrained by the Knight Hospitaller guards, who brutally beat him into submission. The crowd gathers as the main gates open, and Garnier de Nablus slowly walks in. Altaïr silently walks to the side to observe.*

Garnier de Nablus: Enough, my child! I asked you to retrieve the patient, not kill him! There, there, everything will be alright-

Patient: No! Don't touch me! Not again!

Garnier de Nablus: Cast out this fear. Or else I cannot help you.

Patient: Help me!? Like you helped the others? You took their souls! I saw! I saw! But not mine! You'll not have mine!

*An enraged Garnier backhands the restrained patient*

Garnier de Nablus: Take hold of yourself! Do you think this gives me pleasure? You think I want to hurt you? But you leave me no choice-

*The patient suddenly breaks free and decries the situation to all who would hear.*

Patient: Every kind word matched by the back of his hand, are all lies and deceptions! He won't be content until all bow before him!

Garnier de Nablus: You should not have done that. Return him to his quarters. I'll be along once I've tended-

Patient: You can't keep me here! I'll escape again!

Garnier de Nablus: No. You won't. Break his legs. Both of them.

*One of the guards holding the patient, firmly steps on the patient's knee, resulting in a sharp bone cracking sound. The patient screams. The guard then steps on the other. With the patient delirious in pain, the guards drag the cripped man away.*

Garnier de Nablus: I am so sorry, my child.

*Garnier faces the crowd.*

Garnier de Nablus: Have you people nothing better to do?

*The crowd quickly disperes, and Garnier returns where he came as the gates shut behind him. Altaïr tries to follow him but is rudely turned away by a guard.*

Gate Guard: Begone, beggar!

*The crowd quickly disperes, and Garnier returns where he came as the gates shut behind him. Altaïr tries to follow him but is rudely turned away by a guard. Frustrated by this setback, Altaïr wonders where to go now, and hears a faint voice moaning in pain.*

Faint Voice: You bastards! You broke my legs! Get away from me!

*Altaïr follows the source of the voice eagerly, venturing deeper into the hospital, pushing past the drugged inmates who get violent when Altaïr ventures too close to them. In time, he catches the voice of Garnier de Nablus.*

Garnier de Nablus: I trust today is better?

Drugged Voice: What do you want?

Garnier de Nablus: Only to help you.

Drugged Voice: No! You want to hurt me! All I've done is to run!

Garnier de Nablus: Child. The very fact that we are having this conversation shows we've made progress! Or do you forget the way you once were?

Drugged Voice: Remember before... All a blur...

Garnier de Nablus: Ah. It will all come back in time, and you'll see.

*Altaïr finally traces the source of Garnier's voice and stands behind a grille, to see Garnier leaving the unconscious patient who tried to escape earlier. Altaïr stealthily follows behind Garnier, and when the opportunity presents itself. Altaïr strikes.*

Altaïr: Let go your burden.

Garnier de Nablus: Ah. I'll rest now. Yes? The endless dream calls to me. But before I close my eyes. I must know what will become of my children?

Altaïr: You mean the people made to suffer your cruel experiments? They'll be free now to return to their homes.

Garnier de Nablus: Homes? What homes? The sewers? The ports? The prisons that we dragged them from?

Altaïr: You took these people against their will-

Assassin's Creed - Different Viewpoints

2008-01-21T20:08:00.006+08:00

Altaïr: You took these people against their will.

Garnier de Nablus: Yes. What little will there was for them to have. Are you really so naive? Do you appease a blind child simply because he wails? "But I want to play with fire, father!" What would you say? "As you wish!" Ah. But then you'll answer for his burns.

Altaïr: These are not children! But men and women full grown.

Garnier de Nablus: In body, perhaps. But not in mind. Which is the very damage I sought to repair. I have made without the Piece of Eden, which you stole from us. My progress was slowed. But there are herbs, mixtures, and extracts. My guards are proof of this! They were madmen before I found and freed them from the prisons of their own minds! Ahh... And with my death, madmen that they will be again.

Altaïr: You truly believe that you are helping them?

Garnier de Nablus: It's not what I believe. It's what I know...

As Garnier breathes his last, Altaïr slits his throat. Chaos surrounds him as news spread that Garnier has been assassinated. Altaïr fends off a guard and makes his escape, eventually returning back to the Assassin's Bureau.

Rafiq: What news, Altaïr?

Altaïr: Garnier is dead.

Rafiq: Then you return to Masyaf with news of your victory.

Altaïr: There is something else.

Rafiq: Speak it then! Or would you have me read your mind?

Altaïr: What do you think he wanted from these people, that he would keep them and experiment on them as he did?

Rafiq: Yours is not to ask, but act, Altaïr! It doesn't matter what he did or why. Only that he's dead.

Altaïr: But Garnier seems to believe he was helping these people!

Rafiq: Is that what you saw?

Altaïr: No. What I saw was not a place of healing, but of pain.

Rafiq: Then why are we having this conversation?

Altaïr: I-I don't know. Forget I spoke of it.

Rafiq: I already have.

*fades out*

Animus: Fast forwarding memory...

Master Al Mualim: Have you news for me, Altaïr?

Altaïr: Garnier de Nablus is dead.

Master Al Mualim: Excellent! We could not have hoped for a more agreeable outcome!

Altaïr: And yet...

Master Al Mualim: What is it?

Altaïr: The Doctor insisted his work was noble. And looking back, those who were supposedly his captives seemed grateful to the man. Not all of them, but enough to make me wonder. How did he manage to turn enemy into friend?

Master Al Mualim: Leaders will always find ways to make others obey them. And that is what makes them leaders! When words fail they turn to coin. When that won't do, they resort to baser things; bribes, threats, and other types of trickery. There are plants, Altaïr, herbs from distant lands, that can cause a man to take leave of his senses. So great are the pleasures it brings, men may even become enslaved by it.

Altaïr: You think these men were drugged, then? Poisoned?

Master Al Mualim: Yes, if it's truly was as you describe it.

Altaïr: Herbs... This seems a strange method of control.

Master Al Mualim: Our enemies have accused me of the same.

Altaïr: The promise of Paradise...

Master Al Mualim: They think it's a garden, overflowing with women and pleasure. That I drugged you as Garnier did his men, and tempted you with these rewards.

Altaïr: They do not know the truth of it!

Master Al Mualim: Which is how it must be.

Altaïr: But if they knew the truth of it. That all we seek is peace-!

Master Al Mualim: Then they would not fear us, and we would have no hold over them. Go, it is time you continued with your work. Another rank is restored to you, as is a piece of your equipment. We'll speak again when the next has fallen.

*fades out with Altaïr perched on top a temple column, in the background a town crier addressing the crowds*

Town Crier: Come! Speak with me! Let me tell you what Talal can offer! The comforts of a fine life can be yours! Who knows what the future holds? What tragedies tomorrow may bring? Defend against an uncertain future! Protect the ones you love! Work hard and you will be rewarded! Talal provides!

*Altaïr is spotted and he makes himself scarce. Eventually Altaïr tracks the town crier down and assaults him in a dark alleyway*

Town Crier: If it's a fight you want! Aaargh!

*Altaïr beats the town crier brutally until the town crier finally stops resisting, and holds his bruised stomach and he speaks painfully*

Town Crier: I have nothing to say to you!

Altaïr: Speak to me or speak to God! It's your choice.

Town Crier: You won't stop the work he does! Cannot stop it!

Altaïr: Stop what? What work?

Town Crier: He prepares them for the journey.

Altaïr: Journey where?

Town Crier: They are held in his warehouse. And when the time comes, they are sent to Acre.

Altaïr: Where is this warehouse? And why Acre?

Town Crier: Talal tells me what I need to know, nothing more. It is safer that way.

Altaïr: For him perhaps, though, not I fear, for you.

*Altaïr suddenly stabs the town crier in his belly, and the town crier gurgles and crumbles to the ground. Dead. Altaïr continues on his hunt, and encounters two men speaking urgently to one another.*

Desperate Man: If the guards won't action, it falls to us to do something.

Desperate Man's Friend: What you propose is madness!

Desperate Man: But necessary! How many more will we allow to go missing before the people take a stand?

Desperate Man's Friend: It does not affect us!

Desperate Man: Not yet, but if we continue to do nothing, it will.

Desperate Man's Friend: And what do you propose?

Desperate Man: I propose we watch the man. Learn everything there is to know about his operation. It's all here on the map I've made. He inspects his stock every day at the same time. This is when I'll strike!

Desperate Man's Friend: So you have a piece of paper! It won't save you when you're discovered! Won't shield you from their swords and arrows!

Desperate Man: If all goes well it won't come to that. Anyway, it's a risk I'll have to take. Wish me luck, my friend.

Desperate Man's Friend: Indeed. You'll need it.

*Altaïr stealthily approaches the desperate man and skillfully relieves the piece of paper off him. Finally with a conclusive lead, Altaïr returns to the local Assassin's Bureau to report.*

Altaïr: Malik.

Rafiq Malik: Come to waste more of my time?

Altaïr: I've found Talal. I'm ready to begin my mission.

Rafiq Malik: That is for me to decide.

Altaïr: ...very well! Here's what I know: He traffics in human lives, kidnapping Jerusalem's citizens and selling them into slavery. His base is a warehouse located inside the Barbican north of here. As we speak he prepares a caravan for travel. I'll strike while he's inspecting his stock. If I can avoid his men, Talal himself should prove little challenge.

Rafiq Malik: Little challenge?! Listen to you! Such arrogance.

Altaïr: Are we finished? Are you satisfied with what I've learned?

Rafiq Malik: No! But it will have to do. Rest, prepare, cry in the corner... Do whatever it is you do before a mission. Only make sure you do it quietly.

*fades out*

Animus: Fast forwarding memory to a more recent one.

*fades in with Altaïr quietly scouting in Talal's warehouse. A sliding of stone tumblers reveals to Altaïr that he has been spotted and trapped!*

Altaïr: What now, slaver?

Talal: Do not call me that! I only wish to help them. As I myself was helped.

Altaïr: You do no kindness imprisoning them like this.

Talal: Imprisoning them? I keep them safe. Preparing them for the journey that lies ahead.

Altaïr: What journey? It is a life of servitude.

Talal: Hohoho! You know nothing! It was folly to even bring you here! To think that you might see and understand!

Altaïr: I understand well enough! Show yourself!

*Sounds of gears churning and a gate opens, Altaïr strides towards the sound and comes across a grill on the floor with a plaintive prisoner who cries out weakly for help.*

Prisoner: Help me! Save me!

*Altaïr hesitates, but seeing that there is no way that he could release the prisoner, he turns back, resolute in his mission to bring down Talal. Altaïr walks through the doorway, and the gate slams shut behind him.*

Talal: Ah, so you want to see the man that called you here.

Altaïr: You did not call me here! I came on my own.

Talal: Did you? Who unbarred the door, cleared the path? Did you once raise your blade against a single man of mine, huh? No. All this, I did for you. Step into the light then, and I'll grant you one final favor.

*At an impasse, Altaïr does what Talal says. As he does so, Talal's men leap out of the shadows and surrounds Altaïr...*

Assassin's Creed - Gnawing Doubt

2008-01-20T13:54:00.004+08:00

Talal: Now I stand before you. What is it you desire?

Altaïr: Come down here! Let us settle this with honour!

Talal: Why must it always come to violence? It seems I cannot help you, for you do not wish to help yourself, and I cannot allow my work to be threatened. You leave me no choice. You must die.

*Altaïr backs up warily against the Talal's men*

Talal: This will teach you not to transpass!

*With a show of skill and prowess, Altaïr slaughters Talal's men with ease and climbs in chase of Talal.*

Talal: Keep him away from me!

*Talal escapes onto the roof as Altaïr has to dispose of another of Talal's men. In close pursuit, Altaïr chases Talal through the city. Talal flees in terror but he does not run as fast as Altaïr does. Inevitably Altaïr catches up with him, leaps upon Talal's back, bearing him down to the rough ground. Altaïr stabs Talal in the neck with his hidden blade.*

Altaïr: You've nowhere to run now. Share your secrets with me.

Talal: My part is played. The Brotherhood is not so weak that my death will stop its work.

Altaïr: What Brotherhood?

Talal: Al Mualim is not the only one with designs upon the Holy Land. And that's all you'll have from me.

Altaïr: Then we are finished. Beg forgiveness from your God.

Talal: He's long abandoned us. Long abandoned the men and women I took into my arms.

Altaïr: What do you mean?

Talal: Beggars, whores, addicts, lepers. Do they strike you as proper slaves, unfit for the most menial tasks? No! I took them not to sell, but to save! And yet you'd kill us all, for no other reason than it was asked of you.

Altaïr: No, you profit from the war. From lives lost and broken!

Talal: Yes, you would think that, ignorant as you are. Wall off your mind. They say it's what your kind do best. Do you see the irony in all this? No, not yet it seems. But you will!

*Seeing that he has nothing more to say to him, Altaïr slits Talal's throat and returns back to the Assassin's Bureau to report his success.*

Rafiq Malik: Altaïr! Wonderful to see you return to us! And, how fared the mission?

Altaïr: The deed is done. Talal is dead.

Rafiq Malik: Oh, I know, I know. In fact, the entire city knows! Have you forgotten the meaning of subtlety?!

Altaïr: A skilled Assassin ensures his work is noticed by the many.

Rafiq Malik: No, a skilled Assassin maintains control of his environment!

Altaïr: We can argue the details all you want, Malik, but the fact remains I've accomplished the task set to me by Al Mualim.

Rafiq Malik: ...Go then. Return to the old man. Let us see with whom he sides.

Altaïr: You and I are on the same side, Malik.

*fades out*

Animus: Fast forwarding memory...

Assassin's Creed Deux

2008-01-06T22:41:00.003+08:00

Sic Parvis Magna

2008-01-05T20:45:00.000+08:00

"Greatness from small beginnings"

I shall live up to it.

If You Were A Sailboat

2008-01-04T19:39:00.000+08:00

I cannot express to you how unbelievably wonderous this song is.

Just listen and receive the song into your soul.

If You Were A Sailboat
Katie Melua

If you were a cowboy, I would trail you
If you were a piece of wood, I’d nail you to the floor
If you were a sailboat, I would sail you to the shore
If you were a river, I would swim you
If you were a house, I would live in you all my days
If you were a preacher, I’d begin to change my ways

Sometimes I believe in fate
But the chances we create
Always seem to ring more true
You took a chance on loving me
I took a chance on loving you

If I was in jail I know you’d spring me
If I were a telephone you’d ring me all day long
If I was in pain I know you’d sing me soothing songs

Sometimes I believe in fate
But the chances we create
Always seem to ring more true
You took a chance on loving me
I took a chance on loving you

If I was hungry you would feed me
If I was in darkness you would lead me to the light
If I was a book I know you’d read me every night

If you were a cowboy I would trail you
If you were a piece of wood I’d nail you to the floor
If you were a sailboat I would sail you to the shore
If you were a sailboat I would sail you to the shore

My Aphrodisiac Is You

2008-01-03T18:13:00.000+08:00

*swoons* There's nothing better than have soft slow music in the background, the curtains are drawn, the air is cool but not cold, the lights are dim.

And the warm embraces...

Aaahhh... Such is the life.

Kudos to Katie Melua again! Love the songs for lovemaking!

My Aphrodisiac Is You
Katie Melua

Some people say
That oysters make you come on strong,
But I don't buy it,
I don't believe my diet turns me on,
Won't take no pills,
That's the last thing that I need to do,
I can't deny it, my aphrodisiac is you.

Alright,
I could sniff some powdered rhino horn,
And go to bed in rubber gloves.
But I don't need no stimulation,
Potions, balms or embrocation,
I'm in love, - in other words:

Don't smoke no grass
or opium from old Hong Kong,
That hubble-bubble
Just makes me see you double all night long...
Don't waste my time,
With Spanish fly and roots to chew,
They cause me trouble
Because my aphrodisiac is you.

Alright,
I could sniff some powdered rhino horn,
And go to bed in rubber gloves.
But I don't need no stimulation,
Potions, balms or embrocation,
I'm in love, - in other words:

Some people like
To read the Kama Sutra first,
But I don't need it
I think if I should read it i'd be worse!
Don't ask me why,
'cause baby, I aint got a clue.
I just concede it,
My aphrodisiac is you!

Kiss Me Beneath The Milky Twilight

2008-01-02T02:06:00.000+08:00

She sure sleeps like an angel. It's been incredible so far, and I know our journey from here on out is just going to be so much better everyday!

Who would have thought we could be together like this, huh?

Why not? *smiles*

Kiss Me
Sixpence None The Richer

Kiss me 麦穂のほとり
Kiss me Mugiho no hodori
Kiss me out on the bearded barley
Nightly 草の波間
Nightly Kusa na namima
Nightly, beside the green, green grass
二人... 羽ひろげおめかしをして踊ろう
Futari... Hane hiroge omekashi wo shite odorou
Swing, swing, swing the spinning step
You wear those shoes and I will wear that dress.

Oh... Kiss me 淡い闇夜に
Oh... Kiss me Awai yamiyo ni
Oh... Kiss me beneath the milky twilight
Lead me 月も待ってるよ
Lead me Tsuki wo matteru yo
Lead me out on the moonlit floor
ほら　ごらん風が歌って蛍(ほし)が踊り始めた
Hora Gora un kaze ga utatte hoshi ga odori hajimeata
Lift your open hand
Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance
The silver moon's sparkling
So, kiss me

Kiss me 秘密の城で
Kiss me Himitsu no shiro de
Kiss me down by the broken tree house
Swing me タイヤの船
Swing me Taiya no fune
Swing me upon its hanging tire
花の帽子持ってあなたのパパの夢へ
Hana no boushi wo motte Anata no papa no yume e
Bring, bring, bring your flowered hat
We'll take the trail marked on your father's map

HAPPY NEW YEAR! IT'S TWENTY-O-EIGHT!

2008-01-01T13:01:00.000+08:00

Let's us forget about 2007!

For it's been like a bad karaoke music video!

Raise a toast for the new year of 2008!

The Beauty Of Slow Tango

2007-12-27T19:49:00.000+08:00

TEN THOUSAND HITS!

2007-12-26T23:58:00.000+08:00

WOAH!

A BIG, BIG SHOUT OUT TO ALL MY PEEPS!

TEN THOUSAND HITS TODAY!

ON THE LAST FEW MINUTES OF BOXING DAY, NO LESS!

WHAT AN AMAZING PRESENT!

THANKS ALL WHO KEEP THIS BLOG ALIVE!

THANKS FOR ALL THE PERSONAL MESSAGES OF LOVE AND CHEER!

KEEP IT COMING, PEEPS!

AND I'LL KEEP ON POSTING!

HERE'S TO TEN THOUSAND MORE!!!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS! WITH JINGLE BOMBS!!!

2007-12-25T04:06:00.000+08:00

*bursts out laughing*

I burst my seams while watching this. Loved "Achmed the dead terrorist" ever since I posted him on my blog a while ago.

Now we have new material! For Christmas, no less!

SPREAD THE LOVE, PEEPS!

X'Mas Evidence

2007-12-24T17:58:00.002+08:00

Clear evidence that Santa is just a white bearded, homeless perv out to do the funky chicken with your innocent children.

And there's nothing you can do to stop him!

*cue maniacal laughter*

“Ho! Ho! Ho! Here comes Santa!”
~ Santa Claus a.k.a "The midnight prowler"

“If you've been a good girl, I'll be coming down your chimney tonight!”
~ Santa Claus a.k.a "The silent crime"

“If you've been a bad boy, I'll be coming down your chimney tonight!”
~ Santa Claus a.k.a "The artful throbber"

“Ho! Ho! Ho! Children! Who wants to feed Rudolf?”
~ Santa Claus a.k.a "The backdoor bandit"

“Let's see what Santa has in his sack for you...”
~ Santa Claus a.k.a "The jolly menace"

“Do you want a ride on my sleigh little girl?”
~ Santa Claus a.k.a "The red ravage"

“Ho ho ho little boy, have I got a surprise for you!”
~ Santa Claus a.k.a "The department store whore"

“Is this where all of the bad girls live? Ho! Ho! Ho!”
~ Santa Claus a.k.a "Two lumps of coal"

Aloysius's Bachelor Party (9pm - Midnight)

2007-12-07T21:07:00.000+08:00

...exiting the escalator, we were visited by an angel.

HeeHaw! HeeHaw! Oh Wait, I'm A Reindeer.

And whenever Reindeer (aka Aloysius) sees a chick he likes to bonk silly, he goes positively bananas, and his Borat Sagdiyev split personality disorder surfaces.

"I make sexytime, yes?"
"Naughty, naughty!"
"I like you. I like sex. It's nice."

Amazingly, she was pretty amused. Maybe she was afraid he would make good on his promise to 'make sexytime' with her, or she was just putting up with yet another retard who has lost his marbles in the face of her beauty. Me? I think she was just bored.

You Want A Piece Of This? Try Harder.

Evidently, she was a far tougher cookie than Reindeer could crack, so the other guys went at her like a pack of rabid hyneas. *shrug* I just looked on with bemusement. It's remarkable how the relation of a plunging intelligence of the male homo sapien is proportionate to the plunging neckline of the female homo sapien.

While the other guys were pounding their chests like apes, and trying to get her number, Reindeer plodded on to his next big prize catch.

'Tis a night full of surprises, as the prize catch actually came rushing to him.

We Love You Long Time!

The vietnamese ladies thought Reindeer was quite the novelty, as they had spent most of their young lives here and were close to giving up on Singapore as an extremely dull place with boring people.

Reindeer and us, the Reindeer Entourage, were a breath of fresh air to them. And no, I don't believe any of us surreptitiously contributed to global warming through our pants.

They literally begged Reindeer to take a photo with them and they were willing to do anything for that photo-op.

Don't Be Shy! You Know You Want It!

Boy, were they surprised of what Reindeer suggested. But Reindeer had already been psycho'ed by us to do all his tasks expeditiously, and he was quite fixated on giving it all he got.

I Was Expecting Lips On Nose, But Hey This Is Fine Too!

Her boyfriend wasn't too happy with that last minute flick, which resulted in a oral malfunction, but he wasn't about to tackle an obviously deranged animal. What can I say? Vietnamese people have such good sense!

You're Next!

The other vietnamese planted her kiss with much enthusiasm as her friends looked on, as did Reindeer.

With the vietnamese encounter behind us, we carried on our boisterous way to Orchard Towers, or as Dominic put it, "The Source". Source of what, you ask? Well, judging from the fact that a fair number of street walkers noticibly walked the other way as they spotted the nightmarish creature that is Reindeer, I would have vaguely explained to you what the Source is.

Hilarious as it may seem to us, Reindeer was pretty miffed when he tapped one streetwalker on the shoulder and she screamed her lungs out as she saw his antlers looming over her.

"I can't believe that even an prostitute turned you down!", someone commented but I didn't notice who.

Not to be disheartened, Reindeer strove on and was promptly rewarded.

Does She Qualify?

Remember how Reindeer was to find several nationalities to have a photo-op with? Preferably with a kiss? Well, he finally found his German husky. Unfortunately, she came attached with not only a fag, but a man as well. So Reindeer just posed with that peace sign of his.

Two Germans! I'm Too Sexy For This!

We were all making good time, and Reindeer was knocking those tasks of his down with a speed of a rabid animal.

Harry's@Orchard was fully packed and we couldn't get in to have a few beers, but we did have our pitstop group photo.

That's Just A Sock, Not His Crotch Warmer

Now, Muddy Murphy's was more accomodating. There were lots of people, sure, but we were all as thirsty as a frat boy in a guildhouse, and we weren't going to let a bunch of ang-mohs stand in the way of us and several pints of alcoholic creaminess.

First Things First. A Group Photo.

We were an instant hit within Muddy Murphy's. Brushing aside the scantily-clad beer ladies, all of us drew a lot of attention with our loudmouths and a Reindeer leading our charge to the bar counter. Someone actually realised that there were funny names on our jerseys and demanded that we all turn our backs on them.

Now that's something that doesn't happen everyday to anyone.

Check Mine Out. That's Gonna Happen To Me.

I got my own love and flexed my flabs for the adoring audience. "They're just jealous!" hollered I, as the rest of the Entourage tried to boo me off. Heh. Penis envy can be a terrible thing.

Let Me Turn My Back Upon You

When we explained to them the tasks that Reindeer had to go through tonight, one lady even offered to buy us a drink if she could lay some lips on him. We obliged and dragged Reindeer to her waiting cushiness.

Just One! Just ONE!!!

When Reindeer extricated himself away from his number one fan, we had all drained our pints to the last drop. Suitably refreshed, we hollered and pushed our way out the same way we came in. With much gusto, and with many a people glad to see us go.

Bursting back onto Orchard Road, we proceeded with whipping Reindeer onwards to Clarke Quay. I was quite sure that a fair number of astounded passers-by took many a photo and videos of Reindeer and his Entourage, but I strive to be the first to bring you the whole event in all it's picturesque glory.

Quite tired of walking, we elected to take the nearest MRT to our next pitstop. It wasn't long till we reached Clarke Quay.

Exiting the station, we were confronted with a bunch of Fijians. One of girls looked good, the other... not so good. So we welcomed them to Singapore the best way we knew how. We press-ganged the one of them to have a Kodak moment with Reindeer!

Everyone comfy? No One's Asking You, Reindeer.

The Rest Of You Just Bugger Off!

DING! And The Chicken's Done!

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Thus were we punished for pressganging the good looking girl.

"Everyone! Do it like this!" cried the other fijian woman, raising both her shrill voice, and her two fingers. She would not brook any dissent, so all of us voted for world peace.

Scissors Cuts Paper! Understand?

Reindeer wasn't always a hit. There were a fair number of misses, as evident below.

Erm. We Need To Go. We Need To Do Our Laundry. Or Something.

But generally, people were happy to see us. We definitely brought cheer to most who encountered us. Just look at the brilliant smile of this hot mama.

We're Here To Love Women And Chew Gum. And We're All Out Of Gum.

There were several encounters with big media, Reindeer was interviewed (strangely enough) by an indonesian film crew for some news clip regarding Singapore. This was in front of the Orchard Singapore Visitor's Centre, no less. However we couldn't verify if Reindeer made the cut, and showcased how wild we Singaporeans are. Can you dig it!?

But the Heineken believed in us, and acknowledged how we fit into their corporate image. Hence we were all welcomed like a long lost brother in the warm embraces of Heineken women. Ah... Truly Heineken is the best beer in the world for good company.

Must I Really Kiss You?

I'll Close My Eyes And Refrain From Groping You. Promise.

Aw Shucks. She Kissed My Nose. But Her Hand Does Taste Nice. Mmm... Heineken...

Do Sexy Time With Me Again, Yes?

Oooh, Yes... Don't Let This Ever End...

The Heineken photographer did his thing, and now we're all forever famous on the Heineken World Celebrations website! HEINEKEN!!!

Alcoholic Immortality

It's all good to be photographed by the paparazzi, but the Heineken station was just in the way of one of our actual destination at Clarke Quay...

We All Had To Grap Reindeer Firmly For What Came Next

After much coercing, ("Either you do the Titanic on the bumboat, or we throw you in the Singaproe River. Take your pick!") we hustled Reindeer onto the nearest bumboat and took our positions sniggering on land.

Stop With The Gay Pose. You're Not Wearing Spandex.

This moment of our bachelor party has to be enjoyed in living colour. Or more accurately, the lack of it. I apologize for the lack of lighting, but it was close to midnight, and all the bumboat captains were snoozing in their respective boats. Boy, did they all get a rude awakening.

The Bumboat Titanic

Let's see that one more time, with more light this time round...

"One More Time! I Was Busy Scratching Myself"

After that amazing declaration that rivals di'Caprio's lacklustre performance, Reindeer lost his gonads again, and wanted to throw in his damp towel.

"Let Me Make You An Offer You Can't Refuse"

Disgruntled. Tired. Humiliated. But who cares about Reindeer? All we needed was his acquiesce. Once that was attained, we enforced our demands about unfinished business...

It ain't pretty, so please allow me to let these photos do the talking.

"Please Let Go Of My Shoulder!"

"Please Kill Me Now"

"Please Let Me Go First"

"Please Let This Be Quick And Painless"

"Please Be Gentle With My Cheeks!"

"Please Stop Pressing Both My Cheeks!"

"Please Do Not Embrace Me!"

"Please Forget You Ever Saw This"

We weren't all that cruel. We left the best for last, so we wouldn't have to deal with a sobbing broken Reindeer at the end of Gay Pride Day.

"Please Give Me A Hug Too!"

With the emasculation of Reindeer complete, it's time to bring a greatly subdued Reindeer to the centre of Clarke Quay where all the nice fountains are. Supposedly it cools down the whole area, well, I'm not sure I've any past temperature readings to confirm that, but it is quite cool to watch while you're downing some pints at the surrounding watering holes.

We chucked Reindeer in the midst of the squirting fountains, and Reindeer was frantic not to be hit by the water. I think that was instinctive, and not because someone told him that he could get zapped by the christmas lights we wrapped around him. Maybe someone did. *shrug*

What Do You Want Me To Do?

We told him. And we made him do it.

The Five Minute Reindeer Showcase

You should have been there. The crowd that gathered gave Reindeer a thunderous applause, lots of hoots and cheers, and shouts of "Give That Reindeer A Tiger! Oops! Maybe Not!" Alright, that was me shouting.

That was that for Clarke Quay's entertainment. We travelled to Boat Quay to bring our particular brand of festive cheer there. Now, Clarke Quay and Boat Quay is separated by an extensively used road. It's a dangerous road because we have winos desperate to be drunk rushing in one direction, and drunk winos speeding in the other. Suffice to say, we took the safe route and went underneath the road.

Could We Perform Together, Busker?

And We All Gather To Sing Along

"All Together Now!"

If I Can Shake My Reindeer Booty, So Can You!

After all that singing (and after we stopped laughing) we finally got to Clarke Quay. Reindeer immediately spotted his own kind and rushed to share his love with them.

Reindeer Thinks Reindeers Are Thirsty

That Pose Reminds You Of Someone, No?

There weren't many people at Boat Quay to terrorize, so we proceeded quickly through. Well, quickly enough. That was right after an urgent phone call which Reindeer had to deal with for over an hour. During that time, we chilled at Penny Black and swore like sailors about the inadequacies of some Singaporean men.

Nonetheless, Reindeer came through for the guys and we forgave by asking him to suck off the huge nutcracker soldier.

And He's A Huge Stiff!

He's lucky that all of us got shouted at by the security guards, although one wonders why would anyone want to protect a bunch of christmas decorations. Maybe they were concerned for our well-being? Nah. This is Singapore after all.

And talking about Singapore, we finally reached our journey's end. The iconic Merlion. We just gazed and wondered why a lion would bonk a fish, and what fish could have been big enough to take in a lion's willy. Maybe it was just me wondering that, but we did stop and gaze at it for a while.

Why Is The Merlion Puking Like That?

After, oh about 30 seconds, we proceeded to do what we got here to do. That is Reindeer's final task. To find a complete stranger, get a kiss, and have it captured on photo.

It wasn't too difficult. There were frisky couples groping each other around the nauseous Merlion, but Reindeer only got some Sapphic lovers to pose with him.

At The Rear End Of The Merlion

All in all, it was a great night! Our eventful journey has finally come to an end, and what better way to end it but with a group photo! (I was thinking of more carnal pursuits, but I remind myself that I'm hanging out with a bunch of prudes, so I'd to settle for a group photo. Aw... How cute.)

WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS!

CHAMPIONS, LIVE IN LIVING COLOUR

I shall let you listen to Aloysius, concerning his thoughts for the night.

Final Words Of The Singapore Reindeer

With all that is said and done, Aloysius had to re-adjust back to normal society. And as you can see, that may take some time.

Aloysius! Stop It!

Hope you enjoyed this as much as I've enjoyed putting it together! I'll bring more mega events in my eventful life to this blog of mine!

The End

Aloysius's Bachelor Party (7pm - 9pm)

2007-12-07T19:04:00.000+08:00

...taking leave of the extremely cool security guard of VivoCity, I have to state that throughout our merry making, one thing is quite clear to all of us.

Aloysius just can't hold on to his balls.

His jingling and jangling Christmas balls kept falling off and rolling into some awkward dusty corner. That triggered two reactions, first, cries of "PENALTY! PENALTY!" resounded and Aloysius had to start sucking. Suck on his whiskey bottles, that is. Second, we had to scramble to retrieve the fallen jewels and reattach them to Aloysius.

Forcibly, and with safety pins, no less.

Why Can't You Hold On To Your Own Balls?

Alrighty, he's all stitched up, nurse. Switch off the red operation light, and wheel out the patient. Yes, we know he's still drugged up to his eyeballs, but that's how we operate on people. Didn't they teach you that in med school?

Another Satisfied Male Patient

We had finally reached the first pitstop of our Uniquely Singaporean Reindeer Stag Party. This is where Reindeer is read his rights... erm, his missions for the night. Suffice to say, Reindeer was ecstatic!

Watch Reindeer Cringe!

Let's see that one more time...

Watch Reindeer Squirm!

What followed after was some public transportation love. We had planned that the reindeer would spread the Christmas cheer to singapore commuters next. And as you will see below, everyone warmly welcomed the Christmas spirit into their souls.

Smiles Of Christmas Past

Cheers Of Christmas Present

Promises Of Christmas Future

We had started at the rear most end of the MRT, and drove the Reindeer all the way to the first cabin. Throughout, Singaporeans were touched by our christmasy spirit and good cheer.

Be Good! Santa's Right Behind Me!

"SMRT Doesn't Pay You To Stand There!"

About halfway, I think the security cameras in the train cabin picked us out, and announced to all the communters to help spread the christmas cheer. Even if they did press the wrong automated message of "If you spot any suspicious looking person, please contact SMRT security immediately", we all knew they meant well and encouraged our efforts. We continued to drive the Reindeer forward, pausing shortly when he had to scratch and readjust certain parts of himself to be more comfortable.

My Red Nose Not Only Shines, It Itches Like Crazy!

The Handles Are Messing Up My Antlers!

With our forward momentum halted, it just means a photo moment to our merry crew.

Obviously, We Were More Enthused Than Our Reindeer

Our nice Reindeer even took a moment to say hi to a baby. A great start to a political career, Reindeer!

Ask Your Parents To Vote For Me!

The Expression Says It All

The baby reacted quite normally, and bawled out at the top of his little lungs. Scratch one political career, and we hurriedly hustled the Reindeer forward. Comments from the Reindeer later on, "I only stopped to garner more votes, because I saw that he was an animal supporter. Why else would he wear a bib featuring a cow? It was simply a case of mistaken identity."

Nevertheless, that 'case of mistaken identity' prompted us to get off at Dhoby Gaunt station, to take advantage of the busy underground station linkway to parade the Reindeer.

"Sure Beats Trotting!" Exclaims The Reindeer

Maybe it was the stale underground air, maybe he had reindeer eczema, whatever it was, the Reindeer nose had many a scratching.

Did They Even Wash This Thing?

Look! Paparazzi!

In case some of you couldn't get it (*cough*idiots*cough*), Aloysius's shirt is a typical statement of the carnal finality of marriage. The number is symbolic of how married couples sleep. Facing away from each other.

The Difference Of Being Single And Being Married

Did I mention Aloysius had an itch problem? I didn't? Well, he did.

On To Somerset MRT Station!

As we waited for the train to arrive, the Reindeer hushed all of us, "Shhh! Did you guys hear something?" and wandered to the poster of 'National Treasure: The Book Of Secrets', "What did you say? You're thirsty? Okay, here's some whiskey!"

A True Reindeer Cares And Shares

Ok... Methinks our Reindeer had a little too much to drink... But wait! You hear something?

Nothing Like A Sobering Call

As riveted as the Reindeer was to his urgent phonecall, it wasn't as riveted as the retail assistant giggling behind him. Don't believe me?

No, I'm Not In A Women's Store Lah

Well, after that embarrassing phonecall... Embarrassing because all of us were waiting for a reindeer stuck in a women's accessories store for over 15 hours. Oh, alright. 15 minutes. But that's how long it felt like when the whole party just stops because a phonecall. Anyway, we continued whipping the Reindeer forward to make up for lost time and lost enthusiasm, and lucky for the Reindeer, two elves came to his rescue.

Erm, We're Actually Walking M&M Advertisements

Having been rejected thus, our Reindeer quickly crossed the road. Why? Because he can.

We All Need To Find Our Bearings!

We hustled the Reindeer to his first of many drinking checkpoints of the night. Eh? Did I fail to mention that? We had a whole row of tasks for the Reindeer, did you really think that we were going to drive a ludiculously dressed man around Singapore hollering like a bunch of deliquents? I didn't think so.

Here's a summary of the tasks our Reindeer had to accomplish on his Bachelor Night.
1) Get a drink from the following bars, getting an in-house coaster rakes in a bonus:
- Muddy Murphy's, Harry's@Orchard, Paulaner Brahaus, Jazz Bar, Brewerks, Penny Black, Cheeky Monkeys, and last but not least, Zouk.
2) Find, kiss, 12 people of the 12 zodiac signs. There must be photo evidence.
3) Find, kiss, people of the following nationalities. There must be photo evidence.
- German, French, Japanese, American, Swedish, and British.
4) Every mobile ice-cream store you pass by, you must stop and buy an ice-cream for a complete stranger. There must be photo evidence.
5) Every christmas tree you pass by, you must stop, sing and perform, a different christmas song everytime.
6) You will do anything we tell you to. You are basically our biatch for the night.
Failure of any of the tasks above, results in a penalty. A penalty means you suck. From your baby bottles.

With that in mind, we ended up behind Alley Bar. And what happened next is best explained visually.

I'm Not Coming Back Here Ever Again!

Aw... Fuck It! Bring On Da Drinks!

Very Nice! I Like! How Much?

One Suck For All! All Suck For One!

Hold Up! It Ain't Over Yet!

Oh Yes! You're The Biatch Tonight!

With that chapter firmly etched into Aloysius's mind, we went on our merry noisy way down Orchard Road, the premiere shopping district in Singapore.

And it wasn't long before we saw an empty, unguarded mobile ice cream store. And we proceeded to engage in an hostile take over.

We Have Our Own Ice Cream Store!

So naturally, we started to holler for some business. Which is roughly the same time a surprised auntie came up behind us, thugging at her slightly damp skirt and shouted, "Oei! You want to buy ice cream is it?"

"Of course, auntie!" We casually chorused. "We were patiently waiting for you to return from the toilet! Let us help you sell more ice cream!"

And so it began.

You Want What Flavour!?

Ooh Baby! I'm Reaching Into My Sock For You!

Wait Up Reindeer! More Cream Needed Here!

Everyone Loves Reindeer Cream

As attractive our Reindeer may be, he wasn't the only one to get some lovin' tonight. I'm not sure what caught their eyes, maybe it was the fine cut of Jose's jeans, or the exquisite treading of the denim, but the couple sure liked what they saw.

Jealous, Aren't You?

Now our Reindeer didn't like stealing his thunder, and he protested the best way he knew how. He moped like a cow.

So we grabbed a female passer-by and whispered into her ear about how Reindeer dicks are telescopic in nature. Works like a charm. Everytime.

We Had To Stop Her From Riding Him

Tearing her away from Reindeer wasn't easy, but hey, we managed with finesse. We just had Jose unzip in front of her, and we liberated a dazed Reindeer.

Only to have a dear old tourist film the whole commotion. Ah yes, I could hear the royalties ringing in my bank account from "Singaporeans Gone WILD!" right about now.

"Come To Singapore More Often!" Squeaks Reindeer

Reindeer was regaling to the tourist lady about how wild Singaporeans can be, but he stopped midway through a vivid description of the various carnal positions of anal sex, and stared at the big green bus behind her.

Before we could stop him, he tore away from her and charged into the bus like a Marion Jones on steriods. A phrase which is kinda redundant, I know.

Another Part Of The Uniquely Singaporean Experience

Ever want to see a bus captain go ape-shit? Easy. Just release our patented Reindeer in his bus, let the Reindeer to grind his loins against all the metal poles like a 20 dollar whore, and you have one positively enraged bus captain.

Get That Camera Out Of My Face And Take Your Fucking Reindeer With You!

We had to haul Reindeer out of the HiPPOtours bus, and let me tell you, it ain't easy to drag a 80 kilogram Reindeer away from his favourite metal pole.

But we did, all of us were laughing our balls off (Amazingly, Reindeer's balls stayed firmly in place) as we continued our merry way.

In Hindsight, We Should Have Been Watching Reindeer

...who dashed across the road, narrowly avoiding the zipping cars (What can I say? Singaporean drivers are incredibly good at evasive maneuvers) and crashing into, of all things, the crowd who were waiting at the other end (Singaporeans are also incredibly good shock cushions).

By the time we got across the road, we found out why our errant Reindeer took off in such a daredevilish hurry. He was already hawking ice cream at another mobile ice cream station.

Seems like Reindeer is finally getting into the spirit of things! Great!

"I Give You One!" Was Probably Not The Best Opening Line

The Children Seem Terrified

"Thank You, But You Scared Them Enough"

Disappointment Radiates From Reindeer

After that massive let down, we knew we had to cheer Reindeer up. What better way to perk up a male than a female? Enter the Mammaries.

Oh Yes, It's True What They Say About Reindeer's Pricks

Nothing cheers up a man more when he's boasting about how big and robust he is, especially to the female of the species. And boy, did those ladies tittered! Ever heard a lady titter before? No? You don't know what you're missing.

Reindeer And His Far East Harem

Reindeer was so high from that little episode, he spontaneously burst into dance and song at the next christmas tree. Without us brandishing our whips! Remarkable!

"DAH DAH DAH! I'm Da Man With Da Plan! DAH DAH DAH!"

Our Reindeer was so high that, when he saw the huge cup of coffee nearby, he tried to hump it. Yes, I know. But he did, and we stopped him. No one wants to be sued by a multinational drug dealer. Caffeine is a drug. Deal with it.

Even Reindeers Will Whore For Cold Hard Cash. Venti Size.

Following the close encounter of the libel kind, we had push on. After all, Reindeer had a mission to complete, and the Entourage has to make sure that the deed's done!

"Twins!" Barks The Reindeer. "Shuddup" Whispers The Mom Through Gritted Teeth

More ang-mohs follow...

That's A Thumb Up For You To Plug!

Reindeer did his bit for charity and helped a local busker earn several more dollars than he normally would. But after giving him the scare of his life, he chased us all away with a swinging guitar. Oh well. Charity sure is hard work!

He Didn't Realise Reindeer Was There Till Much Later

Narrowing avoiding death by guitar, Reindeer become quite sombre and reflected upon the state of his life. That lasted all 10 seconds. Which was good, 'coz if he started waxing lyrical, we would have kicked him down the escalator.

Electric Stairway To Reindeer Heaven

More to follow...

Aloysius's Bachelor Party (5pm - 7pm)

2007-12-07T17:07:00.001+08:00

Sometimes you ask yourself. Why did I get married? How did I arrive at such a decision? Serious questions all. And I can promise you that these questions flashed through Aloysius's head when we subjected him to an Uniquely Singaporean form of hell.

It all started innocently enough. Jay sent out a meeting request via Outlook and all of us gathered in one of the meeting rooms to get our special shirts.

What People See

The jerseys were comfy enough, it better, coz we paid good money for it. And since we all personalized it by adding cool names at the back, my guess is that most of us won't wear it after tonight.

You have to remember that this is a guys only outing, it is after all a stag night. So you know how it all starts. With a cool gadget. Namely, an iPhone.

It All Starts With An iPhone

After utterly ravishing Marc's iPhone for a pre-determined amount of time, we proceeded on our merry way. We knew we were all going to get drunk, we knew we should stick together, so all of us raised our trembling hands up into the air and hollered, "Lord deliver us!" and He did. Bless us did He with a free shuttle bus service at our office lobby. Strange, how the Lord provideth for us soon-to-be drunken revellers.

Posing While We Wait

We waited for over 30 minutes, but hey, you get exactly what you pay for. In due time, the free shuttle rumbled towards us, and we scrambled on board like little schoolboys.

Us In Da Bus

It wasn't long before the bus driver got sick and tired with our tomfoolery at the back of his bus. He actually stopped in the middle of the road, and screamed at us to "SHUT THE HELL UP AND SIT THE HELL DOWN!".

Yeah! We were off to a good start!

The free shuttle stopped at HarbourFront Centre and we already planned to fill our stomachs at the cheap, good and reliable Seah Im Hawker Centre. Why? Because we had all chipped in for tonight's budget and along with the printed jerseys, were three bottles of whiskey and two cartons of green tea. We can't jolly well drink whiskey openly at some other F&B outlet, but a hawker centre is as public as they come. We ordered whatever suited our dietary fancies and downed it all with whiskey green tea.

Green Tea Goes With Anything!

Our Second Cup!

Strongly Mixed, As You Can Tell

You have to love the understanding Seah Im hawkers, 'coz as far as I could tell, we were hollering at top of our drunken voices (well, we really weren't that drunk, it was only two freakin' bottles of whiskey, get a grip!) and they just casually stared at us but left us alone. They didn't even call the cops! How nice!

More Seah Im Drunks

Now that we have gotten the victim all dozed up to his eyelids. It's time to bring out his party costume and help him put it on. Yes, I know, we're nice like that.

"What The Hell?!" Says Aloysius

It was, of course, all part of our devious plan to finish the whiskey first. Otherwise, why else would Aloysius put up such little resistance? Maybe there were other reasons, but we couldn't give a shit. What we want is him in his costume, and what we want. We get.

You Need To Sit This Properly

With Bells And Whistles On!

"I Like This Signage!" Squeaked The Reindeer

Will Shock If Wet

It had been drizzling since we got off work, and there was a very small sticker on the blinking christmas lights that we going to attach to the poor soul. "Will Shock If Wet", it said. It was still drizzling. The sticker was crumpled and we wrapped the christmas lights around Aloysius anyway.

The Completed Reindeer

So... the completed reindeer is decked out thus:
1) Bright red reindeer ears
2) "Ladies. Please Queue Up" signage
3) Elegantly draped christmas lights that shocks when wet
4) 2 pairs of large christmas bells hung at both sides of the waist
5) A long christmas sock with 10 1-dollar gold coins
6) A huge brightly coloured christmas bow fastened to his behind
7) Two baby bottles filled to the brim with whiskey
All in all, we were quite proud (in between bouts of laughter) of the final product. We believe that Aloysius is now fit to see the world.

The Complete Reindeer

All of us couldn't wait, and we hustled the reindeer before us, across the overhead bridge from Seah Im hawker centre to Vivocity. More than one of us commented that we should have bought a whip to make the reindeer move faster. Nevertheless, all of us were visibly happy, and it seems, the reindeer was too. Maybe he was crying inside, but we couldn't see that, so we didn't care.

One Happy Reindeer

Aaargh! All that whiskey and copious gallons of green tea runneth through our manly system like horsepiss! So a pee stop, erm, pitstop is urgently needed.

Ah... Now that we are all lighter by 800ml, we can confidently pose our now streamlined physique.

Pee Poseurs
From top left to bottom right: Cum Fok Lai (8), Chee Chee (12), Ho Lin Won (7), No Moh Fuk (96), Kok Hung Loong (69), Mai Toof Pehne (22), Twat Zhi Bah (88), Fook King Dik (0), Ku Ku J (01), Hook Line Sinker Sunk (9)

So the Reindeer Voyage Starteth, and I will allow the photos below to speak for themselves!

Vivocity Shock And Awe Tour

Reindeer, meet Cow. Cow, meet Reindeer.

He Was Chased Out Soon After

Even Mischa Barton Sneaks A Peek

Oh yes, before I forget. Not only did Aloysius have to dress to the nines, and get himself paraded like so much meat. He was basically our bitch for the night. That means that whenever he doesn't, couldn't, didn't do anything we tell him to, he gets a "PENALTY!" and a penalty means that he has to suck whiskey from the teet of his baby bottles.

PENALTY!

Suffice to say, that happened a lot throughout the night.

PEBALTY AGAIN!

I also have to tell you how we strategize ourselves as part of the Reindeer's Entourage. It's pretty simple actually. Walk behind the reindeer. Make a lot of noise, like "MAKE WAY! MAKE WAY! REINDEER COMING THROUGH!", "REINDEER IS HERE TO SPREAD THE CHRISTMAS CHEER", to attract a lot of attention. And most important of all, most of us had our cameras out. Not only to take photos of the whole event but also to preserve for all eternity the expressions of love etched onto the faces of people we pass by.

"Crazy Ah-Bengs!", Mutters One Auntie

"Oh My God!", Gasps Two Retail Assistants

"We're Not Eating Venison Tonight, That's For Sure"

See? Reindeer Brings Cheer

"Please Don't Stop At My Store. Please..."

Gilah Sia!

Personally, It's Cool To Be In An Entourage

We Can't Please Everyone. Especially The Aged.

"Did My Management Arrange This?" Thought The Security

One Thumb Up For His Big Brass Ones!

VivoCity Security Has The Coolest Guards!

More to follow...

My Tongue

2007-11-28T23:21:00.000+08:00

She likes it.

*smiles*

What The World Needs Now...

2007-11-16T00:40:00.000+08:00

...Is Love, Sweet Love.

And an amazingly good Pillow Fight!

What's Wrong With Us?

2007-11-15T13:13:00.000+08:00

One thing comes to mind immediately.

What good had we done? Did we really have to come here?

The short answer: Yes, we did.

Not for any practical, justifiable reason. it was easy to prove that we hadn't made much of a difference to anybody.

I would have asked to have it explained to me, why I felt so good having done so little, when you got right down to it. We'd risked our lives, after all. Was that smart?

Maybe it wasn't smart, but that's what human beings do. If there's a chance, ever so small, that you can do some good for your gamily, you do it. If there's even the smallest chance that, bu not doing something, your family will suffer, then you don't allow that chance to pass.

It may be bad logic; but if you aren't prepared to drop everything and charge into danger when your loved ones are threatened, there's something missing in you.

If you don't have anybody you'd do that for, or who would do that for you, I feel sorry for you and advise you to connect with your family and find more friends.

When You Next Get Into An Argument

2007-11-14T13:01:00.000+08:00

Remember this story.

There was this boy who grew up and never talked. When he was two, his parents were just a little worried. they figured he'd talk when he was ready. By the time he was four they were going crazy. He didn't speak a word. They took him to doctors, who couldn't figure it out.

He got older, and never talked, and they eventually resigned themselves to it.

Then one day his mother was making breakfast, and she burned the toast. She was in a hurry, so she put the burnt toast on his plate beside the bacon and the scrambled eggs. The boy took one look at it, and he said,

"I cain't eat dis toast', me! Dis toas' is boint!"

Well, the boy's mother, she just about lost it right there. She jumped up and down and she was shouting hallelujah, she was shouting Praise the Lord! Then she stopped, and she looked at her boy, and she asked him,

"How come you never talked before?"

And he said,

"Up to now, everything been okay."

What Leads To War?

2007-11-13T12:44:00.000+08:00

The moment one group feels itself so aggrieved that it uses either its own weapons or the weapons of the state to "prevent" the other side from bringing about its supposed "evil" designs, then that other side will have no choice but to take up arms against them.

Both sides will believe the other to be the instigator.

The vast majority of people will be horrified - but they will also be mobilized whether they like it or not.

It's the lesson of Yugoslavia and Rwanda. If you were a Tutsi just before the Rwandan Genocide who did not hate Hutus, who married a Hutu, who hired Hutus or taught school to Hutu students, it would not have stopped Hutus from taking machetes to you and your family.

You would have had only two choices: to die or to take up arms against Hutus, whether you ahd previously hated them or not.

But it went further. Knowing they were doing a great evil, the Hutus who conducted the pogroms also killed any Hutus who were "disloyal" enough to try to oppose taking up arms.

Likewise in Yugoslavia. For political gain, Serbian leaders in the the post-Tito government maintained a drumbeat of Serbian manifest-destiny propaganda, which openly demonized Croatian and Muslim people as a threat to good Serbs. When Serbs in Bosnia took up arms to "protect themsleves" from being ruled by a Muslim majority - and were sponsored and backed by the Serbian government - what choice did a Bosnian Muslim have but to take up arms in self-defense? Thus both sides claimed to be acting in self-defense, and in short order, they were.

And as both Rwanda and Bosnia proved, clear geographical divisions are not reuired in order to have brutal, bloody civil wars. All that is required is that both sides come to believe that if they do nto take up arms, the other side will destroy them.

What Is Fanaticism?

2007-11-12T12:41:00.000+08:00

Fanaticism is that you are so convinced of your views and policies that you are sure anyone who opposes them must either be stupid and deceived or have some ulterior motive.

So don't be a fanatic.

What Do People Want?

2007-11-11T12:36:00.000+08:00

Look around us. Look at our modern society and how we function and interact with the world around us.

One thing is clear about what we want.

We don't want individual liberty because we don't want individual responsibility.

We want somebody else to take care of us.

Even if we had a dictator who did a better job of taking care of us, we would lick his hands like dogs.